Lights (2013)

63

"Merry Christmas, Blair." My father hands me a box and I take it in my hands, forcing a smile.

"Thanks," I say.

It's Christmas morning, and we're all still in our pajamas. I sit on the floor by the tree as we unwrap gifts. Lottie, Fizzy, Eleanor, Louis, and the twins all sit by me. Eleanor drove down late last night, and wished Louis a happy birthday-- which made me feel horrible. I can't believe I forgot; he said it was no big deal, but I still promised to make it up to him at some point.

A white blanket of snow coats the street outside. It's a picture perfect Christmas.

But Harry leaves tonight.

"Aren't you going to open it?" My father asks.

I snap out of my thoughts. "Oh...yeah."

I carefully unwrap the gift, opening the lid of the box. Inside is a new duvet for my bed at the dorms.

"Thanks, Dad," I say, smiling at him. "It's lovely."

He shrugs. "I know you've needed a new one."

I put the lid back on the box. No gift will ever compare to Harry's.

I hate being such a pessimist on Christmas, or at all, for that matter. But I can't shake the fact that Harry is leaving for good tonight, and I never got to say what I needed to.

I open a few more gifts from Jay and the rest, faking smiles the whole way. I just want to go back to bed and sleep. My emotions are strung out and I just need to rest. I need to act happy and upbeat for the sake of my family, though.

I know I should be grateful that I at least have family on Christmas; I know I'm being selfish. I mentally smack myself.

"Blair?"

I look up to see all eyes on me. "Yeah?"

"Are you alright?" Jay asks, her face etched with worry.

I nod. "Yeah. I'm fine."

Louis looks at me with an expression I can't quite decipher.

I look down at the gifts in front of me. "I'm going to take a nap," I say, standing. I collect the gifts into my arms. "Thank you all for a lovely Christmas." I force a smile.

I dump my gifts onto the floor next to my bed and flop onto my mattress. I turn on the TV and decide to waste my day watching any shitty show that comes on.

Hours pass and I stay sitting on my bed, eyes glued to the TV. Eleanor comes into my room around three, asking me if I need anything. I shake my head and she leaves, worry on her face.

Six o'clock rolls around and I find myself thinking of Harry for the millionth time today.

Is this how it's going to be from now on? I'll know for the rest of my life that I never told Harry what I needed to? Will I ever see him again? All signs point to no.

A lump rises in my throat.

I should have forgiven him while I had the chance. I know he made a mistake, and that mistake will always be remembered by the scar on my skin, but I know he does love me...or, he did. I know he would have done anything for me, and I threw it all away.

Stop blaming this on yourself, my mind says.

He cheated.

But he was sorry.

Sorry doesn't fix it.

But he loves me.

Loved you.