Lights (2013)

18

I clasp a hand over my mouth.


July 14

Connor and Blair--

I know this is a surprise to both of you. It's a surprise to me, too. I never thought I would be gutsy enough to go through with it, but here you are, reading this, so I guess in the end I was.

Connor, I want you to know that I love you no matter what. We've been through so much together in our lives and you are not only my love but my best friend. I know we've made mistakes and I won't dwell on them; but I forgive you for all the mistakes you have made. I love you.

Blair, my sweet daughter. I know you will grow up without a mother, and that pains me. But you are strong enough to be without me, and I am always here for you, in your heart. You have Harry to keep your feet on the ground, don't ever take that for granted. Darling, you have big dreams and I want you to chase them, no matter what. I love you unconditionally and I will always be by your side. I'm sorry that this is the end.

You two have made my life colorful and beautiful, and I won't ever forget that. You are the lights that kept me in the world longer than I planned, and I love you to no end.

Love,

Madeleine


I hold the note to my chest, full on sobbing. I gasp for air but none seems to occupy my lungs. All these years I had thought she left without a trace, when in reality she left this.

The door to my room clicks open and I lock eyes with Harry's green ones.

I don't speak, I just hold out the note.

Harry cautiously takes it from me, sitting on the bed beside me. I watch how his brow furrows and his jaw in clenched. He seems to read it more than once, his eyes skimming faster and faster. He opens his mouth to form words, looking up at me. Then he swallows and shakes his head, unable to speak.

"She...forgave him," I say, my voice barely a whisper. "After everything he did...she forgave him."

Harry just shakes his head. "How did we not know about this?"

"My father didn't want us to know...we were too young." Even if my father has been a jerk all these years, this is something he did right. I would not have been able to take this if I had seen this note at the age of seven. Hell, I'm barely able to take it at age nineteen.

We sit in silence for awhile, just reading and rereading the note.

I chew on my lip as I finally get up and splash water on my face, trying to wash away the dried tears on my face. I breathe evenly, pushing my hair out of my face.

"Why did you come?" I ask Harry, who still perches on my bed.

"I felt bad after I hung up...I knew something was wrong." He looks down.

"And Louis let you in?"

"Yeah."

"Without a fight?"

"He...he knew you needed someone to calm you down...he was afraid, Blair. He was really afraid."

"Why would he be afraid? Louis, of all people?" I scoff.

"No one's seen you act like that before, Blair. No one but me."

I tie my hair into a ponytail, stray hairs falling into my face. I take a few more deep breaths and fill a glass up with water, slowly draining it. The cool liquid washes through my system and calms me.

"What did my father say to you? In the car?" I ask Harry the question that has been bothering me since I called him earlier.

He looks away.

"Tell me, Harry," I say through gritted teeth, turning and reentering the bedroom. Harry puts his hands on his knees, looking at the floor.

"He told me that I shouldn't waste my time with you unless I know for certain that I'm good for you...and I don't know if I am." His voice is muted, barely above a whisper.

"Harry," I say. He avoids my gaze.

"Think about it, Blair. I make you cry more than anyone, I get drunk all the time, I have friends that shit on you...I'm not good for you."

"I don't care about any of that," I say firmly.

"It doesn't matter if you care or not, it's the long term effect." I immediately think of my parents. The long term effect.

"Fine," I say. I turn and look in the mirror that sits above my dresser. I see Harry behind me, eyes widening from the bed.

Harry wears a shocked expression, clearly not expecting me to agree with him. He swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.

"If you really think that and it will make you happy to leave, then do so." I cross my arms over my chest, turning back to face him.

"Blair--"

"I think you should go now."

"Blair."

"Harry," I counter.

We stare at each other for a few moments. Harry's eyes are intense, searching mine. I harden my gaze. He finally gets up and walks out, shutting the door calmly behind him.

I fall onto my bed, a fresh batch of tears erupting from my eyes.

(vote and comment lovely readers ❤❤❤ sorry it's short, we are very busy with school. we will update longer this weekend!)