Lights (2013)

31

I shower, trying to shake the dream from my mind. You are strong enough to go without me. Am I? Am I strong enough? As I look into the mirror at my tired and emotionally drained face, I don't know. 

I throw on clothes absentmindedly, brushing my hair into a messy ponytail on my head. 

I walk out to the car, turning and looking back at the lake. The sunlight gleams off of the shimmering water. I sigh and get in my dad's car, trying not to think of my dream.

We stay quiet the whole ride until we're driving closer to our house.

"I’m sorry I ruined our holiday," I say.

"That was irresponsible," my father says, his eyes softening ever so slightly. "Leaving your pills."

"It was an accident," I mumble, feeling nauseous. 

"Be more careful. You are nineteen years old, learn to be responsible." I open my mouth to retort, but realize I'm not up for it as we arrive in the driveway. I notice Harry and Louis' cars are both there. I swallow.

My father opens the door for me and I see Harry and Louis sitting in the living room. Harry's head is in his hands and Louis stares at the ceiling. They both leap up when we walk through the door.

I expect them to holler questions at me but Harry just shoves my bottle of antidepressants at me along with a bottle of water. Flashes of his pleading face enter my mind from the dream, but I shove them to the side as I swallow the pills. My father walks into the study, shutting the door behind him.

I sink down onto the couch. I know Harry is trying to contain his worry and anger. I see the two emotions battling in his eyes as he stares at me from the couch.

Louis finally breaks the silence.

"We were worried fucking sick," he says calmly.

"I was with my dad, I was fine...I was safe," I say, my voice quiet. Louis nods.

"Good," he says, worry draining from his features as he stands to leave. "I need a drink." He walks out the front door, shutting it behind him. Harry still engages in his mental battle. His jaw clenches and his eyes burn.

"I'm sorry," I say softly, as if that will help.

"Do you know," he says, his voice eerily calm. "Do you know how fucking worried I was?"

I look at my hands.

"And especially...especially when I found the pills at my house." His voice wavers. He's trying to control himself. His hands clasp together tightly.

I don't say anything.

"You weren't answering my calls," he goes on, his voice even.

"There was no service."

"Do you know how I connected the dots, Blair?" He asks, standing; rising to his full height like a predator. "Do you know what I thought had happened?" He raises his voice.

I feel my throat begin to close.

"I thought I had fucking lost you!" He yells, unable to control himself any longer. "I thought I would never fucking see you again, after I was a fucking prick to you!"

My eyes water. "I--"

"I haven't eaten or slept since yesterday afternoon. I'm a fucking mess Blair, all because you didn't have the decency to tell me you were going to the goddamn lake with your father!"

I put my head in my hands as my shoulders begin to shake. There's nothing I can do or say to make him less right, to make him wrong.

"I even had to come over to ask fucking Louis where you were and guess what? He didn't fucking know either!" Harry paces across the room so he's standing above me, his eyes boring into me. "I have never been so fucking worried in my life, Blair, do you know that?"

I nod, wiping tears from my face. I stand up, clutching my bottle of pills. "If you're done reprimanding me like I'm a child, I'm going to go now," I say quietly, my voice surprisingly strong for the way I'm feeling right now.

Harry exhales angrily, taking a step back. "Blair--"

I shove past him and up the stairs, running to my room and locking the door behind me. I throw the bottle of pills onto my bed, then pick them up softly, knowing they're one of the only things that can keep me alive.

The other thing is Harry.

As I realize this, I sink down onto my bed, pushing loose hairs from my face. I sniffle and sob, feeling unbelievably low.

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