Saving Styles

Can't Go Back

Hannah's POV

I stood in front of him, my arms crossed in front of my chest, not sure if I was ready to have the conversation. I was so confused, I just didn't know what to think anymore.

"I know you said you needed to think...so if I'm interrupting that or you're not ready to talk just tell me and I'll go." He said as he searched my face for a reaction.

I didn't say anything, not knowing what to say. I wasn't ready to have the conversation, but I wasn't sure if I ever would be. When I didn't ask him to leave, he took it as permission to start the conversation.

"First of all, I just need to apologize for the things I said to you. The shit I said to you wasn't fair, and I'm sorry if I made it sound like I think you're weak or can't take care of yourself. That's not what I think. I know you're strong, I know loving me is not easy and you take care of me just as much as I take care of you. I never should have implied that you were naive or don't know anything about the real world."

He waited for me to say something, but when I didn't he continued.

"You were right. I was acting like a hypocrite. I expect you to be honest with me and not keep anything from me, and I didn't answer your question when you asked. I thought I was protecting you, which is exactly what I yelled at you for the other night. It wasn't fair and I'm sorry, I just knew you'd be upset with me and I didn't want to have to explain it. That's not an excuse, I should have been honest with you no matter what, just like you are with me. I'm still trying to figure this whole boyfriend thing out and I know I fucked up last night."

"You yelled at me for treating you like a child, Harry." I sighed. "Then you did the exact same thing to me."

"I know I did, and I'm sorry. I just want to protect you, that's my job. I was already mad at myself for not being there when you needed me, and I just wanted to make sure they would never hurt you again. I've been that way my whole life, I'm not saying that violence is the answer to everything, but it's all I've known. I know you don't understand that, but I also realize that I don't always understand your world either and I shouldn't be so quick to assume things about it."

He looked down and ran his fingers through his hair nervously, obviously frustrated with himself and probably trying to focus himself enough to get the words out to have this conversation.

"Harry, I've done everything I know how to do to show you I support you. I understand that your life has been the opposite of mine, that you have scars that will never heal and that they cause you to act a certain way. I'm being as patient as I can, but sometimes it's like you're punishing me because I had parents. You're always the one telling me you didn't grow up like I did, not the other way around. You throw it in my face like I'm supposed to feel bad about it, or it makes my feelings less important. Like I can't possibly know what it's like to feel hurt or sad. I don't act like I'm better than you, but you're constantly reminding me that you think I am. You think that, not me."

I watched his eyes soften from frustration to sympathy as he looked over at me, my words registering as he heard how I felt.

"I don't mean to make you feel like that. Of course your feelings are important, the way you feel is the most important thing to me. Seeing you happy makes me happy, and I've tried so hard Han. I've tried to be good to you and do all of the things that I think a good boyfriend does, but I'm not perfect and I never will be. I'm not saying you expect me to be perfect either because I know you don't, I'm just saying I think I've made a lot of progress and I know I fucked up but please don't let this mistake take away all the good things I've done."

The fear in his voice cause the knot in my stomach to clench. A scared Harry was something I'd never seen before and it was something I was certain I never would. But it was true, it was in his eyes and written all over his face, he was terrified I was about to tell him it was over.