to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

september 26

will;

i lied.

i'm back here.

how funny, huh?

a hopeless boy with a messed up mind resorts to a diary to cry about his problems. oh well. i have no tangent so bare with me.

have you ever felt lonely? cause i have. it's the fucking worst. i feel like no one cares. people are here with me but they're not here.

they're fooled by my fake smiles and seemingly happy life.

you have no idea how many of my classmates have passed me by while i had a anxiety attack and thought i just ran and was getting my normal breathing pattern back, how many teachers have asked us to do poetry and i just do it as a cry for help and they dismiss it... i can go on.

will i be forgotten? if i leave?

probably.

to most people i'm just another face in the yearbook. my family does love me and cares, but not the way i need them to.

i don't have any friends to talk with. only acquaintances. that's not the same.

i'm truly alone. someone else in the world might feel the same but they don't have the guts to say it aloud. they keep it to themselves, like me.

there is a tiny bit of hope. a junior in my world history class.

he always makes me smile. genuinely smile.

i have never spoken a word to him. i'm too shy to do it. and i feel like the other juniors will laugh at me. after all, what is a sophomore like me doing in a junior class? i'm not sure.

he is probably in the football team. or baseball. or soccer. he looks like an athlete. but he does have the look of being in the art club, maybe band. nothing scientific, for sure.

he has tattoos already; and piercings too. his hair is a beautiful shade of brown and curly as well.

i don't know his name.

i wish i did.

does he feel the way i do?

lonely? sad? empty? dead inside? like life has no purpose anymore?

no.

he looks happy.

but again so do i and look at me.

i'm better than this. i'm better than this mess...right? i'm much more than this. my depression and anxiety hold me down to the ground now, but at a point i was high enough to touch the clouds.

i hope i can touch the clouds again. maybe not alone.

i have to go. world history is starting soon. i hope he is there.

bye.

t.r.j.

„"„

josh doesn't know how react to this entry.

he is a sophomore. and he is in world history.

could it be him? no. that's a narcissist thought. it's probably brendon or pete. yeah. it couldn't be him. nobody notices him.

for once, he relates to the person.

tomorrow he'll go to class and look out for them. he wants to know who they are. he wants to help. he wants to make sure they know that they're not alone.

{🌹💌🌹}

natural hair josh is my fave so shush

this is gonna be a sad fic, btw. thought you would like to know.

i wrote this instead of paying attention in math. are you proud?