to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

december 11

the next day, josh has a goal in mind: find tyler. he knows the city isn't as small as he would imagine tyler liking, but it was worth a try. he takes a shower, mostly to warm himself up, and tries to brainstorm there. he doesn't have any idea on where to start. he has checked the blog a million times for any sort of clue. all he has is tyler goes to lgbt meetings on tuesdays.

suddenly, his mind reminds him.

tyler has a date today.

it takes everything within him not to burst out into tears or into rage. he can't help but feel...betrayed. he knows tyler doesn't belong to him, not even close, but this hits him like a slap in the face. as much as he tries to ignore the fact that tyler basically left because of him, because of what he did, it always comes back. he stares at the tile wall for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts and emotions. he cannot focus on the bad side. after all, his brain has stored away the bad memories of tyler in a box and threw away the key. all he has are good things, like his smile, his doe eyes, his laugh...

"hey, josh! i'm gonna run to the starbucks and get us some coffee, okay?" brendon's voice manages to catch his attention and bring him back to reality. he didn't notice when brendon opened the door at all, he really is too deep in his thoughts.

"i thought we had some of those espresso shot things," josh turns down the water, ready to get out of the shower.

"yeah but nothing like hot coffee to start your morning."

josh peaks his head around the shower curtain, trying to not expose himself. "fair enough. remember, mine with–" he begins to speak before his friend cuts him off, already knowing what he'll say.

"yours with almond milk and 4 packs of sugar. yeah, yeah, i know. you really think i don't know your order?"

"sometimes you're forgetful."

brendon rolls his eyes, immediately smiling after. he really can't be mad for longer than 0.1 seconds with josh. "i'll be back in as soon as possible." with that, he closes the door, leaving josh alone in the room.

he grabs a towel and dries himself up. josh doesn't really care much about what he wears anymore, meaning that he puts on a random hoodie he brought along and his jeans. it's not his warmest outfit but i'll do. he feels so cozy with the hoodie on; it was a gift from brendon a few christmases ago. he adores it more than any other item of clothing he owns. it reminds him of his best friend and that's all he could ever ask for.

he sits on the bed, scrolling down his notifications when he sees a message from pete. they haven't seen each other since the last day of school before break, so seeing a text from him is out of the ordinary.

pete 🌿: hey man
pete 🌿: i was wondering if brendon and you would wanna come to my christmas party on saturday

josh can already feel a sense of guilt as he types his response. he isn't sure when this finding tyler quest is gonna end, but he definitely knows that telling pete they're going and then not showing up isn't ideal. he sighs as he clicks send, hoping his friend doesn't feel bad.

joshhhhh: hey, sorry but we can't go. we're housesitting and brendon's parents will be pissed if we know we left the house alone
joshhhhhh: you know how they are

not even a minute passes before pete sends another text his way. josh can tell that even if pete says it's okay, he's sad about it.

pete 🌿: it's all good, man
pete 🌿: have fun housesitting :) .

the lies are starting to catch up with josh. he's already lying to his family, to brendon's parents. he can't handle more lies. he just takes a deep breath and puts his phone aside, laying down on the crappy hotel bed.