to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

october 12

will;

these sessions are so stupid.

all i do is sit uncomfortably on that damned chair for an hour or so and talk nonsense just to get a mediocre response.

whatever advice she is giving me is useless. 'write your feelings', i am, i have since weeks ago. 'think positive', not helpful when my mind is the embodiment of negativistic thinking. 'spend time with people who make you feel at ease', i doubt she's noticed that i have no one but myself.

i'm gonna skip the next one.

i don't want to waste my time anymore.

the only cohesive piece of advice she has given me is this:

perhaps you're not as hopeless as you say you are, mr. joseph. hopelessness is such a silly word to use in your case.

hopeless does not define you. it is not a place that surrounds your body and mind, making you feel like there is no other way out or that this is the end for you.

despite your beliefs, hopelessness is not that. it is nothing but a state of mind. it helps us to cope with our situations. it's the most accurate word we can find. though, it's not the idealistic way to put it.

you, and everyone else, does have a chance of getting better. all you have to do is push aside the word, or even better, use it to describe itself. hopelessness itself is hopeless. it cannot go any further in my brain or in any other aspect of my life.

then, and only then, the word would've lost complete meaning of its own. 'cause it has no use now, it does not exist.

'i think, therefore i exist' is a good example.

use this method of thinking, mr. joseph. it maybe will improve your thoughts by at least a small percentage that shall increase per day.

that lady is a genius.

most of that didn't make sense, but i know where she's coming from.

my mental health does not define me and it's not a thing i choose to have.

i want to live by those words, and i will.

(not hopeless) t.r.j.

„"„

"nothing but a state of mind...huh,"josh repeats to himself as he reads the entry during his free period. unlike many other people, he spends his time out near the soccer fields.

it's a quiet space. the only quiet space in the whole school. he enjoys it.

he sees a few people playing some sport far away, all the way until the baseball field. their conversation through screams can barely be heard.

josh likes this. as much as he is a somewhat popular guy, he is an introvert. or a mix of both. either way, his alone time brings him a kind of happiness that he wishes could last forever. he also secretly wishes it could he transferrable..he wants to give tyler some of it.

"he deserves it."

{🌹💌🌹}

i'm starting to run out of yellow-ish images to put in

and yes, i'm obsessed with hopeless fountain kingdom by halsey, hence the whole 'hopeless' speech

it's 6 am and i can't sleep so i might as well have a double update today from this book oh boi

-alaska