to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

october 2

will;

i hate myself.

so much.

i crave death so badly...

my day went normal. nothing too good or too bad. it was okay.

but out of nowhere, this huge wave of sadness and overthinking and just all these horrible things hits me and everything is ruined.

nothing is worth it anymore.

i truly have no one.

my parents think i'm shit, i have no friends.. i only have you. and i'm not complaining, you're the only person..thing..who i can talk this openly about anything. maybe it has to do with the fact that you're a diary and you cannot give me any sort of feedback. i can just talk and talk and talk...

although, now that i think about it, you're not the only person.

this might sound crazy, cause i am i mean look at me, but i swear that whenever i write in you, there's a presence next to me. i'm not sure what it is. it could be guilt or something, i don't know.

the other day, when i was talking about death, i'm sure i saw a little sparkle next to me. a red or blue light i think. it felt really weird.

and then the thoughts just became worse and worse.

am i going crazy?

h a ve i los t m y miN d yEt ¿

i hope not.

anyway, back to me wanting to die, um yeah. i've come to the point of fantasizing about all these different scenarios where i die in various ways. the most recurring one is where i get hit by a car. or jumping off a roof.

this is really morbid oh god.

no, you know what?

i don't care if it sound morbid or too dark. it's what i'm thinking and i can tell you whatever the hell i want.

i've lost my m
i

....

nd.

that idea of i had the other day doesn't sound as far fetched as before.

i hate this.

i hate myself.

i hate everything.

i wanna die.

I WANT TO DIE AND LEAVE THIS AWFUL PLACE.

i have lost my mind.

i'm a mess. i hate myself.

okay okay, calm down. think happy things.............

..........
...........

.....................

......

i've got nothing.

please leave me alone.

please.

i don't wanna be like this.

i want to be happy.

i really want to be happy.

torture someone else... PLEASE.

....

i can't do this anymore.

if i don't write again...you know what happened.

torture someone else..please. i'm begging you.

you already have my will to live, my happiness, everything good i had left on me...what else do you want?

torture. someone. else.

t.r.j.

„"„

this entry... josh cannot believe what a mess of writing, dark notes and death related doddles this is.

so many thing are in marker and others are in the normal pen. the large spaces between paragraphs, or even between the words themselves, concern him.

"josh, are you alright?"a female voice asks him.

he looks up from the black journal and sees collette sitting next to him. he looks around and the classroom is filling up with other people.

"um..yeah,"he lies and puts the journal back on his backpack,"i'm fine."

collette tilts her head,"what were you reading?"

"nothin'."

he spots a small boy walking in from the corner of his eye. the boy goes to his seat quickly, he doesn't make eye contact with anyone.

josh notices he looks traumatized...or scared.

the dark circles under his eyes and his baggy grey hoodie give away a scared vibe.

"you sure?"collette insists.

"yes. i guess i'm just...a little distracted."

{🌹💌🌹}

idek okay? josh is still oblivious, like always.

i have my math & chemistry finals tomorrow...and i haven't studied for either yet

-alaska