to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

december 22 pt. 2

the snow seems to never have happened. the streets got cleared by the time they all woke up.

the apartment is empty aside from the fact that josh and brendon stayed. apparently the bakery was gonna be busy as all hell due to christmas being so soon, neither of them wanted to deal with that. they're both eating a stuffed crust pepperoni pizza because no food gives off christmas vibes like pizza.

"we should leave tomorrow," josh blurts out, causing brendon to come on the bite of pizza he just chew off.

"what? you're being serious?" he coughs and drinks water to swallow the pizza and not keep choking on it.

"why are you surprised? we promised my parents to be with them during christmas."

to be completely honest, brendon fully believed that josh would say he wanted to stay over christmas at youngstown. considering how weird josh's been acting today though, it makes sense in an equally weird way. "i... i guess we did. have you told tyler and jenna yet?"

"no. when they come back from the bakery i will. i don't want to make it a big deal."

the sound of the tv is purely background noise, a white noise machine as they keep talking. sure, they comment on what the people in the show are saying and how dumb it is, but that's only 5% of the conversation. "let me guess, we'll come back for spring break. i'm letting you know that pete and i have plans for a big party in—"

"we're not," josh simply says. he has no clear expression on his face as he speaks. he seems like a blank page on a book, waiting to be full of words that help it make sense. the talk he had with tyler in the morning did nothing but make things worse in his head. the days were all he cared about was soccer and hanging out with his friends. time keeps bringing more and more changes to his life.

what is he even supposed to tell tyler? he's choosing to leave him after all this time he worked on getting close to him again? his past self would call him insane. it's not even been a quarter of a year yet it feels like it's been years since he first found that diary. that damn diary. what would his life even be like if he'd never found it? he genuinely can't picture it.

"i like tyler a lot, i really do, but i can't be with him if he's 4 hours away from me. long distance relationships don't work. it'd be easier if he was closer. i want to tell him to come with us, maybe he can live on his own in columbus and not here. maybe he can live with a relative, there can be arrangements so he doesn't have to go back to his parents..."

"josh, you do realize how insane you're sounding? tyler left columbus for a reason."

"he left because of me. he actually left because of me. but we're good now! i could be the reason he comes back."

brendon takes the tv remote and turns it off, the sound of the people in the show making it hard to think. "that's not how any of this works! he won't come back! he won't do whatever you say because he's your little boyfriend now. where would he even live? will he go back to school with us? is he gonna have his past life back? it can't work out. you need to understand that."

"no, you need to understand, brendon. things can work out. he can have a normal life, he deserves one." josh puts his pizza aside, getting all of his attention on the subject matter. he was getting full anyway.

the oldest of the two can't comprehend what's going on in his friend's head. it's like he's getting all of these ideas out of nowhere and hoping they make sense when stitched together to make a barely mediocre argument. "why are you saying all of this?"

"he's the love of my life."

"no. you need to understand that no matter how much you try, he won't go back. he won't! he won't go back just to complete your stupid high school fairytale. you need to grow the hell up, for fuck's sake! you won't die just because he lives a few towns over. you won't die if you don't end up with him," he takes his hand, mimicking the way tyler took his in the morning when they talked. it's such an intimate touch, it takes josh aback since brendon never does this unless it's desperate times.

he keeps talking, making eye contact with pure hope behind his eyes, "josh, i've always been there for you. you know that i'll support you in whatever you ask me to. i know you know this isn't the end of the world. are you really that desperate for any new, better connection that you want to replace me with some 16 year old kid that you don't know a thing about?"

"brendon–" josh can't finish this sentence, he really doesn't know what to say. he's been left speechless all day long.

"listen to me, josh. he may be the love of your life or whatever the fuck you want him to be, but there is no way in hell that he's worth all of this. look at us! we're in fucking youngstown! i didn't even know this city existed! we risked a lot coming here and you don't even know if it's worth it!"

"he's worth it. i know it. i want to be with him, brendon. if you say that your always on my side, can you please believe in me? please?" his pleading eyes and trembling hands really sell his desperation. he wants all of this to be over. he just needs to have his crush and his best friend. by the looks of it, who knows if he'll have either of them by the end of all of this.

brendon nods, his heart hurts from seeing him like this. deep down, he knows josh is only on the honeymoon phase. he sees everything through rose colored glasses, but he can't bring himself to take them off and break them apart. they hug, both trying a bit too hard not to cry for no apparent reason.

"let's finish eating, okay? we'll start packing up later so we can leave early tomorrow." the hug is over and each of them grabs a slice of pizza to keep eating.

"okay. thank you, by the way."

"for what?"

"dealing with my annoying self," josh says with a big smile.

brendon chuckles, "if i didn't do it, who would?"

{🌹💌🌹}

the chapters just keep getting worse and worse

listen, i'm trying my best in finishing before christmas is over but that won't happen. so i'll give myself the pass of finishing by tomorrow. it won't be the same but oH WELL

uhh, i had pancakes for dinner, they were great

see you in a few hours

-alaska x