UNSCRIPTED ✰ COLIFER ✅

Chapter 26 ✰ Love Is A Murder

Trigger warning: contains references to suicide.

Jen's pov

Six weeks later

Sometimes you wish you could go back in time, to when it was easy to smile and your heart didn't feel like it may break. If only I could turn back time now.

Even after everything I've been through with Aiden, I'm in love with him. I still love him. I miss making him smile and feeling him close to me. I miss being able to just love him, without guilt. But the thing is, no matter how much I love someone, I have to love myself more. I have to get over him and let him go no matter how hard it is. I want to fall in love again, with someone who feels the same way. I know I will, because I'm already falling. But besides Colin, I have to fall for something else. It won't be some person or thing, it will be with my own life. I have to love it unconditionally and without fear. I have to create my own path to happiness and I will love it even though it's without Aiden.

The images of that day are still flashing through my mind. I was in my house with Colin and I was about to grab my things and go with him for a few days. Until I came upstairs in the bathroom and was scared to death. There was a body in the bathtub. The lifeless body of Aiden.

Then everything went very quickly. The only thing I can remember is that I screamed my lungs out of my body and Colin was with me within a few seconds. It's over a month ago and I still felt guilty and especially angry. Aiden was an optimist and enjoyed every moment in life. He would never do such a thing, but unfortunately the truth turned out to be different.

And I know that no amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future. Yet it felt like I could have prevented it. If I had stayed to talk about it, he might have lived now. But I didn't. I have run away from my problems for the umpteenth time and this time I couldn't change anything.

I have gone through hell the last few weeks. Aiden's mother was devastated and blamed me for everything. I should have engaged with him, because then he still would have been here.

I used to think I couldn't go through the day without Aiden's smile. Without telling him things and hearing his voice back. Six weeks ago, that day arrived and it was hard. I knew I wasn't going to be okay for a very long time. Losing someone isn't an occasion, an event or a party. It doesn't happen once. It happens over and over again. I lose him again everytime I pick up his favorite mug, discover an old shirt of him or when our song is playing on the radio. You can lose someone over and over again.

At these moments I was extra grateful for Colin in my life. He dragged me through it and distracted me from all the misery. It has made us stronger and our bond is indestructible. I would stay with him for a few days. Those few days have become a month by the way. I simply couldn't be in my own house anymore after all that happened there. I have tried it, but that resulted in panic attacks and a lot of crying.

Meanwhile, my house is for sale and I went to live with Colin unofficially. He never officially asked me to move in, but I know I can stay as long as I want to. I'm not sure if I want a place for myself. For now it feels good to be with him.

Christmas came closer and I didn't look forward to it. Normally it's my favorite moment of the year, but this year I hoped it would be over soon. Colin would go to Ireland and I should miss him for a few weeks. Only thinking about that was already horrible. He had suggested not to go and to stay with me, but I knew how much he missed his family. I couldn't take it from him, however how much I wanted to keep him with me.

I felt his warm hands on my shoulders. He massaged them gently as I enjoyed his touch. We hadn't been intimate for a while, but he was so patient with me. I liked to cuddle and kiss him, but I couldn't go any further than that.

'You're doing great' he said not louder than a whisper

I smiled. 'I still feel guilty'

He caressed my cheek. 'Let go of the guilt and the worry, love'

I nodded. I knew he was right but it was easier said than done.

'I never expected that love could be a murder'

He raised his eyebrow. 'What do you mean?'

'Aiden killed himself because of love, so...' I began but he cut me off

'Jen, stop thinking that way. You're making yourself crazy'

I burried my face in the curve of his neck. I was still a mental wreck. He stroked the back of my head.

'Let's do something fun today. It'll be good for you'

I thought it would be nice to do something fun with him, but on the other hand I didn't feel like it. My curiosity won. 'What do you have in mind, O'Donoghue?'

'Christmas shopping!'

'Christmas shopping?' I repeated. I didn't understand what he was talking about.

He nodded. 'You're going to Ireland with me'

My jaw dropped. 'Really?!' It was the first time in weeks that I was enthusiastic about something. 'Are you serious?' I still couldn't believe it.

He grabbed my hand. 'I'm serious. I can't leave you like this and you won't let me stay with you so taking you with me is the best option!'

I hugged him tightly. He knew exactly what I needed: being with him.

♥♥♥

A/N: I know that suicide is a serious issue, but unfortunately it's something that happens more and more often. I absolutely don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with this chapter and I don't want to make fun of it. I just want to create awareness. Be aware of what you say to people. Sometimes a certain action or certain words can be the straw that breaks the camels back. Just be kind to each other ❤️

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