Adopted by Phan

Chapter 71

Jay's P.O.V.

Cold, as you turn off the lights, and memories start floating around

You're doubting yourself, and you're tired of not being strong.

My eyes drifted to the speaker playing the music, my hands resting on the armrest of the wheelchair I was sat in. The guitar had a similar ring to the one I had used on the streets, the one that had passed through so many hands, so many different songs sung on the cold winter nights when it was the only comfort.

It hurts to be all on your own, but you'll just have to wait

Cause time's running fast, and it calms you to know it won't last.

The sun was setting outside the window of the hospital, as it had for the past month and a half, every night without fail. I had watched it most nights, clinging to some sort of hope that the days would continue on, even if I didn't try and live them like I should.

A month of recovery and physical therapy and I felt like nothing had improved, I was still the same terrified little girl who had arrived in hospital on death's door. Although death had moved away from me, I might as well still be there.

I had all but lost my voice from not using it, speaking only if completely necessary. I supposed it was my way of coping, but I could bring myself to use the same voice that had screamed for help in that house for days, only hoping that someone would hear me.

It's easy to say it'll all be okay,

But that's always the way it goes,

So slow down and you'll be okay.

There was no point in pretending that I was okay, that I wasn't scared because I was. Nothing was right anymore, and I was terrified.

Although I knew my father was dead, it didn't stop the nightmares from coming and frightening me every night, waking me in a sweat and then forcing me to lie awake for hours, knowing they'd come back.

Torn and lost once again, you start to believe it won't end,

And still you're alone, with the fear that you're forever unknown.

Although I might have been physically okay, besides the exception of a missing leg, nothing was okay mentally. Sometimes I would stare for hours at a wall, at least I was told I did because those hours passed in minutes for me, unable to pull myself out of the memories in my head.

A part of me wished that I never remembered what had happened, just like last time and it could just be something that happened to someone else and not me. But it didn't help.

You cannot understand, why you're always the one that gets hurt,

Life's unfair but it pulls you back, in when you're almost gone.

The therapy hadn't helped either, it was just three hours a week of staring at a wall and ignoring everything the therapist said to me and hoping she'd go away. I didn't make the effort to listen, I stopped after the first week.

The doctors kept seeing that I have to get better before I can go home, but if that was true then I'd never leave the hospital. I didn't make the effort, I didn't want to try anymore.

Anais was the only thing that seemed to brighten up my day, besides reading, and she made the effort to come and see me at least three times a week, mostly on the weekends. Most of the time she stayed for hours, talking to me without expecting me to reply, which was why I loved her visits the most.

She didn't expect me to reply, talking to me and answering my questions for me, talking about school, sports, anything she could think of.

The others, Alexa, Carmen, Riley, Ace, Dallas and Eli, came to visit a couple of times in little groups. Alexa came the most often and she was a lot like Anais, talking and not expecting an answer which was nice.

It's easy to say, it'll all be okay,

But that's always the way, it goes,

So slow down,

And you'll be okay...

As the song came to an end I closed my eyes, feeling the tears in the corners of my eyes. I had cried a lot over the month I had been hospital, everything welling over far to often.

My emotions bucket had shrunk and it took the simplest things to make me cry, sometimes just getting too close or touching me was all it took. I found myself shutting everyone out, hoping they'd leave me be but it didn't work, unless it was with Dan or Phil.

They seemed to realise quite quickly that I wanted to be alone and they got everyone out of the way so I could be. They never left me alone completely, sitting in the room with me or just outside the door in silence, but it helped, I liked to say it did.

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"Jay?" I didn't move my head towards the voice, just jumped at the sudden noise and then ignored it. "Jay?"

Dan's hand landed on my shoulder and squeezed it gently, and I felt his eyes on me.

"Still reading huh?" I nodded, looking down at the book on my lap. I was about a third of the way through the fifth Harry Potter book, The Order of the Phoenix, which I considered good work considering how big the book was, even though I had been reading almost constantly while in hospital.

He crouched down beside me, so he was at my eye level and he placed his hand on top of mine.

"You get to go home soon, this week probably." I managed to force a smile to my face, but the news didn't excite me. Nothing did anymore. Dan noticed it.

"There's no point in trying to lie Jay, I know you're lying to me." I sighed, one of the only noises I tended to make anymore.

"You're getting to good at this Dan, but I don't feel excited. I don't feel anything anymore." His hand ran over my cheek, still kneeling at my eye level.

"I want you to feel Jay, don't let this knock you down. Please, just like I promised you, you'll be okay." I shook my head, I knew he didn't believe it, just like I didn't, Phil didn't, the doctors and nurses didn't.

"I wish I had that much faith in myself," I paused. "Even though I know you're lying." I spoke with my head turned away, still looking out the window even though it had long since faded to black.

"Some things I don't think you can fix, as much as you try."