When All is Lost One is Found

Chapter 71: Focus on Formality

When All is Lost, One is Found

Author: Rinoaebastel

Chapter 71: Focus on Formality

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice. JK Rowling owns Harry Potter.

AN: This story may contain scenes taken from the Harry Potter movies and books, but it's not exact dialogue, just rewording of dialogue or omission. It is not marked.

March 1997

Severus's growl echoed through the room of requirement as a spell shot past his cheek. It was close. Too close for someone of his skill verses hers. And he knew why she'd gotten so close.

He was distracted.

He'd been dealing out a high rate of detentions this week ever since what happened with the Amortentia.

Each time a student passed him, he stopped to track the smell. He still hadn't found that sweet honey fragrance she desired. It only appeared during his breakfast, covering his toast sometimes.

He had been plagued by his irrationality until Minerva had to stop him, breaking his circle of ire when he was about to punish another Gryffindor.

From what he learned from studying the foods on the tables, none of the students had the type of honey he ate. He even went as far as to study the plates of the other professors. So the only possibility was either muggles or other wizards. For some reason, it took a few days for him to realize that it didn't have to be either him or a muggle.

If he were willing to accept all possibilities, he would say he was jealous, but that was absurd.

The thought of being the person she desired was laughable. Maybe it was because he was the only one supporting her. Still, he knew that friendship wasn't a thing that presented itself in Amortentia.

If he thought more about it, her deep affection could explain some of her reactions toward him. She was of age so it wouldn't be unusual for her to feel that way for an older wizard. But she was still young and foolish and love only increased that.

He swallowed and he lowered his wand slightly, almost getting hit with a spell. His body moved, avoiding it, and he stumbled, almost falling on the floor like a novice. He growled.

His eyes fell on her, threatening, angered at her feelings. If they were true, it would complicate everything.

She hadn't behaved that oddly in the past few days, so maybe she knew she shouldn't fool herself. Shouldn't set herself up for disappointment. Maybe she was upset that it was him.

If it was. Not that it was. If. If it was.

A pain crossed his chest as conflicting emotions hit him.

Did he care for her more than a friend?

Everything he'd done for her flew to his mind. He had supported her, given up his privacy and quiet time for her. He wouldn't do those kinds of things for anyone.

But friends did that.

Even if he were to have feelings in that way, it didn't matter. It couldn't be more than friendship since he had no life left to give her.

He felt miserable for that. Usually his misery was accompanied by rage, but this time it was accompanied by a deep sadness.

It was then that he noticed that no more spells flew towards him. He looked at her. She'd dropped her fighting stance and her brown eyes were fixed on him. He felt warmth at the concerned look she was displaying.

"Are you alright? You're distracted and you don't get distracted easily."

At this rate, he would be killed the next time the Dark Lord summoned him.

"Did you practise your spells?" His question held a cold tone, marking the distance he wanted to have with her right now.

He needed to stop feeling so relaxed with her. He needed to stop their closeness because the closer he got, the more he wanted to stay. But he realized it wasn't for his sake, for Dumbledore's sake, or even for the sake of the goddamn wizarding world. It was because if by some freak act of fate he were the man she most loved, it would hurt her more when she learned everything and when he died. He didn't want her to hurt any worse than she would already.

"Ye—Yes, but I might have been distracted this week."

Merlin, not him, please. He did not want to be the cause of her distraction. He just wanted her to live on and help her. By being a distraction, it put her at risk. If she died and he was alive when it happened, he wouldn't be able to go on. It would hurt worse than wh—

"I see," he said, forcing his thoughts back to the present.

Granger lowered her head and covered the other half of her wand with her free fingers.

"Did I do something wrong?" Her voice was merely a whisper but it was loud enough for him to hear it. He heard pain in her voice.

He had hurt her already, even if his anger wasn't directed toward her. It was more at himself, at his confusion, at his doubts, at his despicable wild thoughts that shouldn't appear. His control was split between his heart and his mind, something that hadn't happened in so long that it scared him.

He couldn't let her think his distraction was because of her, because if she did, she would only feel guilt for that. He didn't want that for her.

"No..." he said gently.

Her body relaxed and, in turn, he allowed himself to relax.

"It—the...the potion..." She looked away from him and gripped her wand even tighter with both her hands.

He wanted to walk toward her, but he summoned up the restraint to stay where he was. Was she going to tell him? He couldn't let her do that even if the curiosity was eating at him. He needed to turn things back to formality.

"Lift your wand, Miss Granger. We need to practise again." His voice regained his stern tone, ordering with no option of refusal and achieving what he sought. Her head snapped towards him, her lost eyes finding focus again.

AN: Smarty ones...but oh they are so insecure too...But Severus... Hope you like this, the tension is growing along with the confusion. Let me know what you think and see you on next Saturday...;)