Beyond The Lamppost

I Can Only Imagine

(Based on the song above. "I Can Only Imagine" By Mercy Me)

I Can Only Imagine

  Susan stared at the words as she finished writing them in her journal.

  It had been a few years, since her entire family was killed in a tragic train accident. Shortly after the accident, she began journaling. She found it to be a good coping mechanism. She would write or draw words or phrases, whatever she felt went onto the pages. This had been a lifesaver during her most difficult times.

  The times she felt all alone in the world. The nights when tears streamed down her face from the time she slipped her legs under the covers, until her feet touched the floor the next morning. The times she forgot they were gone, were like a knife to her heart.

She woke up one morning, happy, cheerful, and even singing. She decided to bake a cake. So she headed down to the kitchen, and baked a chocolate cake from scratch, her siblings favorite. After adding the finishing touches she headed for the phone to call her siblings. Just as she put her finger on the number, reality hit her like a truck. She froze as she dropped the phone. Her body sunk limply to the floor, where she sobbed uncontrollably. Until the next morning, when her body finally ran out if tears.

So, she wrote. She kept a journal, and wrote in it whenever she felt like it. Throughout this time she finally found her way back to Narnia, and back to Aslan. She remembered, and she knew it was real. After long sleepless nights, more tears than she could count, praying, reading the Bible, and journaling, she found her way back home.

She also found Aslan's other name. Jesus, God, and Lord of all. Though he had not yet called her home. She still lived on earth, and tried her hardest to live for God.

But of course, she still missed her siblings. Everyday she missed them, with her whole heart. It had gotten easier with time. The pain never left completely, the ache in her heart never eased into nothing. The large whole in her heart never grew back. But it did get easier.

At times, she missed them more than normal. Maybe not "more" per-say, since she always missed them the same amount. More like, she missed them a little "extra," some days.

  Usually she missed them on holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, even on the smaller holidays she missed them just as much. She missed them on their birthdays, as well as on her own birthday. This was to be expected, they were her family and families spend time together on birthdays and holidays.

But the hardest days, were the ones she didn't expect. The random Tuesday in the middle of July. The mornings she woke up, and the hole in her heart had grown 10 sizes. When she missed them so much she could hardly stand it. Those were the days that almost broke her.

Days like today. It was a regular Wednesday. It wasn't a holiday or anybody's birthday. She woke up just like normal. She got out of bed, ate breakfast, then she relaxed with a nice book. Around lunchtime she went to the kitchen, planning to make some tea. She opened her kitchen cabinet, grabbed a cup, and wrapped her fingers gently around it. Then, it hit her.

She suddenly remembered that her entire family died in a train wreck a few years ago. Not that she was unaware of it before, it just wasn't sticking out at her like a sore thumb then. Not that it was, she suddenly felt numb. She dropped the cup to the floor, the sound of it shattering never even reached her ears. Her senses had stopped working simultaneously when the news hit her once again.