Beyond The Lamppost

To Love At All is to be Vulnerable

"To love at all is to be vulnerable"
~C.S Lewis~

Peter loved fiercely, and completely. When he loved someone, he loved them with everything he had. He was vulnerable, but he never let it show. He had to be strong. He was an older brother and a king after all. His job was to protect, and fight. Not have a breakdown when he needed to be a leader.

Peter loved his family more than anything in the world. He would die for them in an instant. He had to protect them, no matter the cost, this was his job as the eldest. But he didn't do this just because it was his job, or just because he promised his mum. He did it because he loved them. And he couldn't, he wouldn't lose them. If he did, he would lose himself too.  Because his family, was his everything.

They were the reason he got out of bed everyday. For he would have nothing without Susan's gentle touch, and caring eyes. Or Edmund's mischievous smirk, and sassy comments. Or Lucy's angelic smile, and contagious laugh. Peter went into each day, knowing he would love, and protect his siblings to his end. He didn't do this for himself though. He did it for them. It was always for them. Everything he ever did, was for them. Because he wanted to see them happy, well, safe and alive. Because that's what they deserved. So he would do everything in his power to keep them happy, well, safe, and alive. Because if he didn't, he would fail his mum. And he would fail them. And that was something he would never, ever do.

But the thought, of failing them, kept Peter up at night. The thought of losing them, not being able to protect them, hurt more than he thought possible. What if Lucy had actually drowned in the river that day? He wouldn't have his light, his smile, his joy. What if he hadn't killed Maugrim that day, and instead Susan had paid the price? He wouldn't have the caring mother figure he so desperately lacked in Narnia. He wouldn't have her kind and gentle spirit, that always made him smile. And what if Edmund had died on that battlefield at Beruna? He wouldn't  have his other half. His right hand man, the shield to his sword. He wouldn't have his one and only brother. And worst of all, it would be his fault. Because Edmund would have died saving him. Instead of the other way around. And Susan would have died because he was too scared to kill a wolf. And Lucy would have died because he would have failed to protect her. He would have failed to protect them all. And the guilt would have haunted him to the end of his days. For these, were Peter's worst fears.

But he would never tell his siblings this. Or anyone for that matter. He had to be strong for them. But they knew Peter loved them, oh how they knew. He told them all he loved them multiple times a day, which were in fact, too many for Edmund's liking. Peter showed his love when he jumped in front of a sword to save his family. They knew he would die to protect them. But they didn't know, that when one of his siblings had looked death in the eye, only narrowly escaping its clutches, Peter would cry himself to sleep. On those nights, he would often have nightmares, about death winning, and his siblings losing. For only a love this deep, and this fierce, could make Peter so, very vulnerable.

Peter loved his people, and he loved his country. He would die for either of them as quickly as he would die for one of his siblings. For he was the High King. His job, was to protect his people. To care for them, and keep them safe. And he did nothing less.

He had protected them since his very first battle. And from there, he fought his hardest to keep them safe. And he rode into every battle for them. (And his family of course.) In battle, losing soldiers is inevitable. And this was the part of fighting that Peter hated the most. For his job was to protect them, and they had not only died under his watch, but fighting in his army. He had failed to keep all of his people safe. Peter mourned for each soldier he lost. Because losing one, was too many. And he cared for them. Even if he hadn't known them all personally. (He wanted nothing more than to know all his people personally, but there were just so very many.) It didn't matter if he knew them, they were still his people. Fighting for his country. And their country. And they had died doing so, and it shattered his heart.