Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

11 April, 1978 - Fallout

As the Easter holidays came to a close, Lavinia found herself honestly unprepared for the fallout of her decision, and not at all in the way she'd expected. She's assumed that all of her friends would simply leave. Which had seemed logical. The choice they were making was a no brainer in her mind. But that Eloise had come and asked to stay in contact, if secretly, was more than unexpected. And Severus, the next day, had apologized for his behavior towards her and told her that if ever needed anything, he would be there in a heartbeat. She'd believed him too. There had been a kind of desperate honesty in his face and voice that reminded her of all the times he'd mentioned his own terrible home life. Even Alexandra, when she came back to school told Lavinia she was sorry she'd ever gone to her mother, that she'd had no idea how bad it would be. That had been perhaps the most unexpected apology, but Lavinia had accepted it, in part because she didn't want to remember Alexandra as the girl she'd quietly held a grudge against for years.

Of course, the subtext of all of it had been clear enough. Lavinia was to stay away, to keep the secrets of those who were willing to disobey their families in the small capacity of sending her letters. And she would do so easily, happily even. The last thing she wanted to do was to hurt them. Because she knew what they were facing and she couldn't blame them for their choice. Honestly, she didn't even blame those who had turned a cold shoulder completely. She would have liked to think that in their situation, she would have at least offered to stay in contact, as Eloise had, but she truly couldn't be sure. She knew what a powerful motivator fear could be and she had to admit that fear of her mother's retribution might well have kept her from staying friends with a known blood traitor. Even if it was only letters.

So it was that the problem came not from her friends, but from others. Hissed insults and whispers of blood traitor followed her down the halls. The seat next to her in classes went unoccupied until necessity prompted some Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw to take it, sitting on the farthest edge from her. It was like there was a bubble around her that no one dared to breech. She walked down the halls alone, ate meals alone and did homework alone.

The first few days were awful. The words stung, each of them new and sharp and painful. The space around her felt like a prison cell, a condemnation she knew she deserved, but for far different reasons than she was given it. The loneliness of her days started stretching and bending and merging with the loneliness of her heart and every day was a fight. Every day was a battle to forget the words people had said. It was a battle she didn't win those first few days. But after a little while, the insults grew old and dull and their sting lessened as she learned how to block her ears to their sound and force her mind not to listen to them.

It helped that every night was spent with the Marauders and every night Sirius walked her down to the dungeons. And once she was there, it was easier to go to bed. Besides which, it was starting to feel like a betrayal to let Sirius think she was safely asleep when she was really sneaking off to make another terrible mistake. And she started to get better. She started to win.

The truth of it was that it probably should have hurt more than it did and had this come several years ago, it would have. But by now, she'd felt so removed from them all for so long, it was only a sting instead of a stab. Not that it didn't hurt at all because it did. It most certainly did. Especially on nights when she saw all her friends in the common room and she ached to join them, but instead forced herself to keep her feet moving away, feeling the hole where they'd been in her heart gaping wider with every step. She missed their laughter and their banter and their company. She missed Eloise's murmurs of frustration when she was doing her homework and the quelling looks Alexandra always replied with. She missed being able to sit close to Regulus instead of meeting eyes across a room and wishing.

But for all that she missed them, there was undeniably a weight off her shoulders. She didn't have to pretend anymore. She could stop holding her nose in the air and keeping a smirk on her lips. She could stop being the girl her mother wished she was. If she was honest, she could have simply started spending her days with the Marauders and it would have done no more damage than she'd already managed on her own. But she couldn't bring herself too. Old fears held her back, failing to dissipate in just a few days. Fears of her mother, which she knew was ridiculous, and fears of - and for - her friends, which was also silly.