Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

25 June, 1994 - Understand

Sirius sighed and stepped away from the window, feeling more tired than he would have thought possible. He knew the exhaustion had little to do with his restless night or the twisted dreams that had chased him from sleep, though he supposed nothing about that was helping. But it was not what was making his very bones feel heavy. It was not what was making him wish he could just lie down and not get up again for a good long while. It was not what was making him wonder if maybe he had been a fool to come back to this house at all.

What was causing that was what he had just seen out the window. He hadn't been spying. Or rather, he hadn't meant to be spying and he certainly had made an effort not to overhear them, a feat made easier by the closed windows that muffled their voices, but... But he had woken up alone. Not that this was out of the ordinary and after so many years perhaps he should have been used to it but it had made him wonder if perhaps he had just dreamed the night before. If seeing her, touching her... if it had all just been in his head. And that... that thought was almost unbearable.

So, naturally, he'd gone looking for her, admittedly with absolutely no idea what he would do if he found her. All he'd known was that he had to see her. Had to be sure it was real. She was real. Whatever the hell last night had been was real.

Of course, he'd barely done more than stand up from the couch when he'd heard them talking outside. He couldn't make out any words, and he didn't want to either. He'd just... wanted to see her. Just to convince himself. So, naturally, he'd looked out the window, hoping just to catch a quick glimpse of her.

He had not expected to see what he had nor had he expected the feelings and memories it brought about.

It had been like running headfirst into a brick wall. And not the kind with a magical portal disguised within it.

It wasn't that there was anything particularly remarkable about the scene he'd stumbled upon. Indeed, it was how utterly unremarkable it was that had made the breath leave his lungs all too quickly.

Lavinia and Remus had just been sitting there, one arm around each other looking... looking comfortable. At ease. Not happy really, nor content, but... but they had looked like two people who had weathered all the storms of the world and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that each person would always be there for the other. They looked like two people who had loved and lossed and done so together. Who had forged the kind of bond that did not fade, no matter what happened.

And Sirius supposed they had. Everything had gone to shit twelve years ago and they had been the only two left standing in the remains of the life they'd had. And they had rebuilt it together. They had weathered the storm and made it through together. They had moved on. Together.

And standing there, seeing them, it had struck Sirius for perhaps the first time just what he had missed. And just what he had interrupted.

It had struck him utterly dumb and he'd just stood there, watching for a long long moment until now. And now, with his heart and head catching up to each other... he had to turn away, had to look elsewhere. Had to sit down as he realized exactly what he had lost on that awful day twelve years ago.

In truth, it actually explained a lot of Lavinia's anger yesterday. Not that she hadn't still said some things that he didn't at all understand and wasn't about to forget. Nor did it excuse all the mistakes she had made, especially where Harry was concerned, but the anger, the rage, that pain he had seen springing up out of seemingly nowhere... it did explain some of that. Because seeing them there, looking so... normal... he realized that she had been right about at least one thing. The world had fallen apart twelve years ago. And she and Remus had been left to put back the pieces. So they had. And the result was far from perfect, but they had put them back all the same and Lavinia hadn't expected to have them thrown in her face. Much less by him.