Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

17 July, 1979 - Survivor

*

Sirius woke to the rather comforting feeling of Lavinia lying next to him, though he didn't remember why or how she'd ended up there. He rolled over and pressed himself closer to her. She smelled of her rose shampoo mixed with a hint of something sharp that might have been bleach, no doubt from cleaning at the hospital.

For a long while Sirius just lay there, soaking in the feeling of Lavinia in his arms and letting reality slowly trickle in. It was a Tuesday morning, which was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, Lavinia was off today and they could spend the entire time together and on the other... he was leaving tomorrow. He'd put this off for as long as he possibly could, had told Dumbledore that he couldn't go yet but... but his excuses were wearing thin and he knew it. The Order needed him to do what he'd signed up for. Even if he hated that it meant leaving Lavinia behind.

It had been almost a month since that awful day that she'd found out about Regulus's death and though Sirius knew she was learning to cope, the idea of being away if something went wrong or if she had a bad day... It scared him more than he would like to admit. But he also couldn't just stand back and do nothing. Lavinia wasn't the only person he wanted to protect.

Sighing, Sirius shifted and propped himself up on one elbow, looking down at her face, which was softer in sleep than during the day, especially given current circumstances.

She forgave him, somehow, though she never said it out loud. Every time he came back from a meeting with the news of when he had to leave, she just smiled sadly and nodded and reminded him to be careful.

To anyone who didn't know her, it probably looked like she didn't mind. But Sirius did know her. And he knew that she did mind. He could see it in the tense way she held herself at their parting, the way her lips always pursed ever so slightly when he mentioned his missions, the way she stayed a little closer in the days before he left. It wasn't just for him either. When Remus was gone, Lavinia was tight and prone to jumping at small noises. She found things to occupy herself whenever silence threatened to overtake the house. She cooked and cleaned and kept her hands moving, like she was afraid that if they stilled, some great wave she'd held at bay with their motion would crash down on her.

Sirius hated that he caused her such worry and hated even more that it was necessary. But it was. Not that he thought Lavinia would entirely agree with that. He knew she saw the war in a different way than he and the others did because Lavinia saw the aftermath. They saw the fighting. Which naturally meant that where Sirius and the others wanted to win, she just wanted it to end. And he respected that, even if his priorities were in a slightly different place.

Shifting slightly, Sirius brushed a bit of hair out of her face. She moved, twisting slightly and making a small noise in her throat that made him smile like a lovestruck idiot. It didn't last long, however.

As she rolled over onto her back, she exposed the arm she'd been using as a pillow and Sirius's breath was knocked from him with all the force of running into a brick wall.

He had seen her in short sleeves exactly once before and it had been at the Potter's wedding, when she'd had enough cosmetic charms on her arms that no one could possibly have made out much of anything other than a blur on her skin. But now, in her summer pajamas, there was no charm and nothing to hide the scars.

He hadn't expected there to be so many.

It was like getting punched in the gut because though he'd known about it, though he'd comforted her and held her though it and known, he didn't think anything could have prepared him for the reality of this. Seeing all those scars made him realize with an awful lurch just how much pain she must have been in. Which he'd known, of course, but it was suddenly so real. She had taken a blade to her own skin. She had hurt herself. She had overridden every self protective instinct she possessed and done... this.