Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

25 June, 1994 - Talk Part 2

Lavinia sighed and started walking again, admittedly not entirely sure where they were going and only really sure that the beach was their destination. Once they were there, she supposed Sirius would know where his hippogriff was. Or at least, she very much hoped he knew where it was because if he didn't, they would have plenty more problems then they already did. Though, by some estimations, having a hippogriff at all was a problem in and of itself.

A hippogriff. How ridiculous. When Sirius had said he needed to check on the beast... part of her had thought he was just saying something stupid either to get out of having a proper conversation or maybe because he'd panicked. And maybe he'd seen her skepticism because he'd explained how Harry and his friend had used a time turner to rescue a condemned hippogriff and break Sirius out of the tower room he'd been locked in and send them both off together.

She might have told him it was utterly absurd - because it was - but she hadn't wanted to antagonize him and part of her was simply resigned to the utter insanity of the last few days. So she'd sufficed with rolling her eyes and shaking her head and pretending she didn't see that little kernel of something in his eyes that might have been relief. Or hope.

Regardless of what it had been, they were here now, walking towards the beach. To go check on a hippogriff, of all things. And also to have a very serious and slightly painful conversation. Serious because these were by no means light topics and painful because... well because it hurt to remember those days. It hurt to drag them up when it had been so long since those wounds had been fresh. To explain when all her justifications seemed foolish and selfish and small.

Indeed, Lavinia hated the way her pain had come off like a paltry, whiny excuse. It wasn't. She knew that. She didn't want to sound like she thought she could write off all her mistakes just because she had been spiraling and her tailspins had always been such destructive, disastrous things. But... but it had been destructive. And it had been disastrous. And if there had been a child there with her... Well. She supposed that would have just made it all worse. So though she hated that it came out sounding like an excuse... at the end of the day, she knew it was a reason. And a valid one at that.

Of course, after those initial days and months and years or however long it had taken her to put herself back together enough to be anywhere close to normal again... after that, she didn't have any explanations or excuses. Only the reality that it had been easier. So much easier to just... start over. To act like everything that had happened before those awful days was a dream or a nightmare, but not real. That the promises she'd made in those days weren't binding. Or that she'd never made them in the first place. And she knew that was awful and selfish and she had hated herself for it more than once, but... but it was also true that she couldn't change it. She couldn't fix it. And when she had finally had the strength to try... it had been too late. There had been new information that she couldn't ignore. So she had had to make a choice. And now... now she got to live with the consequences.

And speaking of consequences... she had had a lot of time to think about the consequences Sirius was living with. The consequences of his actions. Consequences that had been so horribly out of proportion for the crimes he had actually committed. Because he had lost twelve years. He had lost his best friend and his godson and in case that hadn't been enough, he had also lost the chance to make it better. To heal. To move on. And no matter what he had done, no matter how much it hurt, he very much had deserved that chance. He still did. And she could only hope that he would have it.

Of course, that conclusion had been easy enough to reach so she'd also had a lot of time to think about the reasons for those choices that had cost him so much. The reasons he had lied. And left. Not that a single night was really a lot of time, but as she hadn't exactly slept or had much else to occupy herself... well. It had been a lot of thinking, anyway.