Right here, Right now ~ RINI

Chapter 1

Here I am with chapter 1! I love that I can finally write again and share my story with you guys. 

Hope you enjoy it! 

Hugs and kisses! 

Nini's POV

It's been a few days since opening night. Ricky and I are closer than ever. I mean, we were inseparable before but now it's like nothing can keep us apart.

We didn't really talk about what happened that night. We didn't kiss after that night, we're not official or something like that. We both said we loved one another, but that's it. I have no idea what is going to happen now.

I'm really relieved that it hasn't changed our friendship, but I kinda hoped that we would be something more by now. I just don't know how to bring that conversation up.

And if I'm being honest, I'm kinda terrified about this whole situation. I mean, Ricky and I have been best friends since kindergarten, I don't remember life without him and I don't even want to imagine it. So if Ricky and I become a 'thing', I'm putting a lifelong friendship at risk and I'm still not sure if I'm willing to take that risk.

So I've been kinda avoiding the topic ever since.

Don't get me wrong, my feelings for Ricky are still growing every day, but so is my fear of losing him.

Another thing that's keeping me from talking about that whole kiss thing is my mental health. It's weird, but I don't have the feeling I'm getting better. I'm still keeping up the good act in front of everyone, but it's hard. I'm really struggling.

I know everyone expects me to get better now that the whole bullying thing is over but for some reason I'm not.

It's like sometimes I disappear in some weird dark place in my head. I overthink every little thing I say or do, I guess I'm just scared that it's all going to happen again, once I open up again.

My panic attacks are also coming back more frequently, although I'm managing to keep them hidden as long as I'm with people. That does make them more difficult to get them under control afterwards but in my opinion, it's worth it.

If you're wondering I'm still cutting myself, I will have to disappoint you. I still am, but just as the panic attacks I managed to hide them from everyone. How? I used to cut my arms, now I cut my thighs. It's easier to hide and in some way, they hurt more. Maybe it's the friction with my pants, I don't know, but they do. 

I feel so guilty hiding all that for Ricky but I can't disappoint him again.

That's another reason why I shouldn't be in a relationship with Ricky. He didn't sign up for dealing with me and all my problems, he wouldn't. Especially if he doesn't know about them.

So that's the problem here, if Ricky ever brings up the whole kissing thing from opening night, I have no idea what I would say to him.