99 ways to say I love you- Draco Malfoy

No.44

I wish that everything was different

His words from the night before swim in her mind. They were words that sound like leaving. Words that sound like he was going to end things. She wasn't sure her heart could take it.

She had woken up before him, it was barely even sunlight outside. She pressed a kiss to his cheek and climbed from the bed, pulling some leggings and one of his jumpers on before heading upstairs. Ron had been sat in the common room and she had given him a small smile as she passed, she wasn't mad at Ron he had done nothing wrong, her heart ached for her best friend though. She was unsurprised to see Hermione sat awake in bed, clearly waiting for her arrival, she didn't say anything, there was nothing to say, just climbed into the bed next to Hermione and wrapped her best friend in a tight hug.

She'd sat with Hermione the whole day, a part of her putting off going back to Draco. It wasn't easy to sit and listen to Hermione complain about her heartache when she expected that she would be facing her own the moment she next saw Draco, she wondered all day how he would do it. How he could do it. She knew it was probably for the best but the feelings she held for him she couldn't do it. Who cares that she was fighting for one side and his family were for the other. Surely, they could ignore it for a while longer.

Eventually, the moment came that Hermione had decided to go and shower and then do some homework and Emily knew it was time. Time to face the inevitable. She couldn't ignore it forever, that didn't help the feeling of dread in her stomach.

Draco had woken up to an empty bed, he had also permitted himself a day off. He had decided that if he was going to let the best thing in his life go he deserved a day to come to terms with it. He waited. Waited for her to return. Trying to work out how he could say it.

When the door pushes open she walk silently, doesn't greet him like she normally would, taking a seat in the arm chair across from him, he looks at her and knows that she knows.

"Emily-"

"You don't have to do this," she interrupts "I've been thinking about it all day, we can ignore all of it. Just you and I," she's practically begging and her eyes are already leaking tears and he can feel himself following.

"Emily I cheated on you," he speaks clearly. It's a lie. He could never do it to her. He was hoping though, that she would hate him, surely this would all be easier for her if she hated him.

"No you didn't,"

"Where do you think I disappear to every night? Why do you think I'm pulling away?"

"Fine. Let's entertain your well thought out story. Who with?"

"Pansy," the moment he had said it her laughter fills the air and he sighs. Maybe he should be honest. He doesn't want her to miss him though. If she hated him it would be easier for her. Maybe if he didn't hate himself so much he would realise she would miss him whatever he said.

"Draco if you are going to break up with me at least have the common decency to be honest with me while you do it,"

"I don't want to," he decides that honesty is the way to go. She deserves that.

"You don't have to. This is a choice,"

"No. No Emily it's not anymore," he protests, hands shaking a little as he wills himself not to cry

"No! You don't get to act like the world is forcing this on you. You knew the consequences, you knew what would happen and you made me feel how I feel anyway. Do not look at me and act like you aren't choosing this Malfoy!"

The second she calls him it she realises how much it hurt him. He stops trying to not cry and allows a sob to over take his body

"Don't. Please don't call me that. Can't take you calling me that. I have no right to tell you what to call me but please, just not that," he cries and it's then that she realises.

"Oh my god, it's them. That's why you're doing it,"

"Angel, please just understand-"

"No. Your dad is in Azkaban and you're letting him control- it's not just them! I mean it is, but it- no, no Draco you're a child- you-" the realisation dawns and she feels stupid that she never noticed. Never realised.

"It's not just- he gave me the mark. It's done,"

They're both crying and she feels so lost, so scared. He realises as he looks at her that she will leave and this will be the last time he has any hope in his body.

It all makes sense. Why he didn't sleep with her. Why he winces if she grabbed his arm in excitement. Why he is pulling away.

"Dray, it's not done. We can tell someone and get you help. You're just a child, people will understand and it'll all be okay and we can help you,"

"No. No I have to do this. He will kill my family. I can not let them die,"

"Ill stay with you," she offers, the cries uncontrollably leaving her lips a she wraps his arms around her.

"No. I will not let you put yourself at risk not for me,"

"I'm already at risk!" She protests "one of Harry's best friends, I betrayed my parents. I'm already at risk and I don't care. I would die for my friends and I would die for you just as easily. Would rather be with you at risk than without you,"

He wants to be selfish. To allow her to stay but he knows it's wrong. He wants to run away with her, far away from all of this but he knows she would never agree too it.

"I can't let you do that," he sighs, his own tears dampening the shoulder he's crying into as he holds her to him on the arm chair.

"Draco-"

"Don't say anything. I'm going to do everything I can to keep you safe. I promise,"

"I know," she assures.

They lay on each others arms, him pressing delicate kisses to any inch of skin he can find and her stoking his hair to try and calm him. After what feels way too short she leaves his arms.

"Draco, if you change your mind. It's never too late. You just come find me," she speaks quietly

"I know. I wish everything was different," he returns

"So do I," she slips out of the room.

She knows it's too soon. He can't choose the right side yet but she's begging any god who will listen that one day he'll be able to.

As he lays on her side of the bed, allowing her scent from his pillow to provide a little comfort, he's wishing for the same thing.