99 ways to say I love you- Draco Malfoy

No.69

I still come here everyday and tear myself apart every moment I spend with you

The minute she sees them her heart breaks a little. More than a little. It snaps straight in half.

Astoria is tucked neatly under Draco's arm, she looks like a porcelain doll. Like a perfect trophy wife. Stood on the platform talking to Narcissa and smiling like the perfect little wife she will become. Emily can't even bring herself to hate Astoria, she was just doing what was expected of her. Astoria had been nothing but pleasant to Draco. She was vaguely aware of her dating a Hufflepuff muggle born wizard and Emily wonders if they hate this as much as her and Draco do.

That doesn't stop the ache in her heart though.

"You're alright. Let's get you on the train and away from that yeah?" George asks gently, he wraps an arm around her shoulder holding her to him as she blinks back the tears in her eyes.

"I hate it George. I fucking hate it,"

"I know. You are going to be alright. I promise you, it's all going to work out," he assures. He presses a kiss to her forehead as she leaves his arm to board the train.

**

Draco can feel her eyes on him. He hates that he can see tears in them the second he looks up, he watches as George leads her towards the train. He hated that he was breaking her heart.

The second he boarded the train he dropped his arm that had been around Astoria.

"You should go and find her, she seemed upset," Astoria comments

"Yeah. Matthew boarded on the third carriage from the front by the way," he informs and with that he's turned around to search for Emily. Astoria walking in the other direction to find her own boyfriend.

The second he sees her his heart breaks even further. She's sat with tears on her cheeks head leaning against the window. Her eyes watching Harry and Ginny as he bids her goodbye. Ron and Hermione doing the same a few feet away. He wonders if maybe that's why George came. So that when all her friends were being all romantic she wasn't alone.

"Hey angel," he speaks quietly pushing the door open. She doesn't respond her eyes still staring outside. She sighs eventually before turning to him, the whistle blowing on the station.

"You and Astoria seemed close," she comments. It's not anger, it's hurt that swims in her voice.

"We spent Christmas together," he admits. She lets out a bitter chuckle at that, shaking her head slightly.

"You know Draco, there's a way to go about all this and not telling me anything, making me feel like a fucking idiot, isn't it," she snaps

"That is the last thing I wanted to do," he speaks. She moves to respond but the door is pulled open and a grinning Hermione and giggling Ginny tumble in. Theo following behind and Luna joining them soon after with Dean a little behind, even Seb enters.

Both Emily and Draco are silent. Emily staring out of the window, her mind trying to piece together how to deal with everything happening.

Draco is staring at her wondering how he will cope when she inevitably ends all of this. Fearing it might be today.

She shocks the group slightly when she stands up "Draco, can we please go and talk?" She questions. He nods immediately. If it was any other day Dean would have made a joke about how they'd be doing much more than talking but the look in both of their eyes clearly showed something was wrong.

She enters the empty compartment at the end of the train and he follows, closing the door behind them.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She demands. She doesn't look sad anymore. She looks angry.

"I didn't want to upset you,"

"Draco, we lie everyday. We say we are just friends and we both know we are so much more than that. You can't not tell me things. You can't leave me hanging on to you because I'm so fucking desperate for you and then gallivant around Paris with her," her voice is cold and he hates it. He hates how it quivers like she's about to cry more.

"I didn't want her to be there! Christ I wanted to spend Christmas with you. Want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you," he's shouting. He needs her to understand. Needs her to process that he's just as desperate as her.

"You should have told me! I shouldn't have found out today. Not when I had to see you and her together on the train platform. You can't keep in the dark! You're fucking killing me Draco!"

"There's nothing I can do! Nothing!"

"Apologise for a start for lying to me!"

"I never lied!"

"Well you didn't tell me the truth either. Being with you hurts. It makes me feel like I will never be good enough. It makes me feel worthless. But I still come to you everyday, and tear myself apart every moment I spend with you. I do that because it's worth it to me. Hurting every second. Feeling inadequate it's worth it. Worth it for when you smile at me. When you kiss me. When you hold me and tell me you want me too. But I can't go on. I can't keep letting you be the only thing that gives me any happiness when your the thing killing me!"

Draco is angry. He's not angry at her. He's angry at his parents for making him do this. He's angry at himself for being so selfish that he sought her out when all he could do was hurt her.

He never learnt though. Never realised how to put his anger towards the right thing and in that moment he takes it out on the last person to deserve it.

"It's not my fault that you had to get yourself kicked out of my society! You could have kept your head down and done what you were supposed to like everyone else and we would be together! But no you had to be stubborn and selfish and so above the rest of us! That's why we aren't together. Because you think you're superior. You don't get to pin it on me!"

The carriage is silent for a second. He stands in a state of shock. He didn't mean it. Didn't mean a single word of it. Wants to take it back more than anything. He admired her bravery and he was proud that she was so unapologetically her. It was one of his favourite things about her. The way she was a little moment of joy in the darkness.

Her sob breaks through the silence and she has never felt so hurt. Never felt so unworthy. Never felt so unwanted. He immediately moves to hug her

"Do not! Do not touch me!" She practically screams and his heartbreaks

"Angel, listen to me. I didn't mean a word of what I said. I'm angry at everything and I took it-"

"Do not talk to me. Just leave me alone Draco. Have fun with Astoria,"

He watches as she leaves the carriage and tears stream down his face. Not only had he lost the best thing in his life he had hurt her and that was something that made him feel so much worse.