Andante con Brio

XLVII

He could feel the emotions bubbling up inside of him, all the way back to the car, floating around and through him as he subduedly followed the group through the Sydney streets, back to the multi-storey. By the time he got into the back seat with Brett and Todd drove off they were so strong they seemed to be swirling around almost visibly.
Todd was kind of back to normal by now, really, cracking jokes here and there with Ian. He seemed fine. Brett was still quiet though, very quiet, probably just as quiet as he was. He took his hand as the beam of the carpark lifted and intertwined their fingers tight. 
At least he had that, at least he would always have that. 
But would he ever have the other thing, the thing he had always been convinced was in reach? 
Suddenly having a career in music seemed like a million miles away and it was all he could do not to burst into tears right there, where Todd could easily see him in the rear view mirror.
He sunk a bit deeper into the seat and looked out the window. 

"Eddy." Todd called when the car had been stopped on the campsite's gravel and Eddy was diving out, already half running to their tent. He stopped and turned, waited until Todd caught up to him. What else was he going to do? Run away? He tried to hold back the emotions for just a moment longer, just until he would be able to close the zipper behind him and be by himself. 
"Eddy. Mate. Please don't take it too hard. You have real talent."
Eddy nodded and tested his voice to see if it would hold. 
"Yeah. I wonder if that matters at all." he whispered then, his voice thick. 
He knew he was being childish, but he couldn't help himself, not now that his whole world view was crumbling around him. 
"Just give me a sec, okay?" he croaked in that same thick voice and almost jogged to their tent. 

Why the fuck was he crying anyway? The treacherous tears started falling before he even had a chance to open their little yellow tent, that tent that had only held happy moments up until this one. Shouldn't he have known this all along? Or shouldn't someone have told him this all along? 
He curled up on top of their sleeping bag, into the mat, and sobbed. 
Why didn't anyone tell him this, before he bet everything on a future as a musician? He had always thought that talent was was mattered, that hard work was was mattered, and hadn't everyone always told him he had talent? And hadn't he worked hard? 
Now he knew that that barely amounted for anything and he was shocked at the grief he felt. 
Who had he been kidding anyway, looking at that stage as if he were already sat there, already playing Mahler five with the rest of the first violinists. 
Would he ever, ever even get to play second violin, back desk? 
He had been so fucking naive. 

The sound of the zipper came through his miserable fog and he cringed. He wanted Brett so desperately, he wanted to curl up next to him with his head on his chest, Brett's arm around him keeping him safe, giving him comfort, but at the same time he didn't want Brett to see him like this, so weak, so pathetic. 
But he had known Brett would come. Of course he was going to come. 
"Hey."
Brett's voice was so kind that it made him sob more. He got up for a millisecond, grabbed Brett's t-shirt and pulled him down next to him. Then he put his head on the t-shirt and held onto him like he was alone at sea and Brett was a dinghy in the waves. 
"I'm sorry." he whispered after a while. 
"What are you sorry for? We all heard it, we're all fucked up." 
Eddy raised his head so he could look at his boyfriend with blurry eyes. He was pale, haggard almost, his eyes impossibly large and round behind his thick black frames. He was keeping it together though, right? It was only him who was being pathetic about it. 
"Well, you're not crying." 
Brett shrugged. 
"Maybe not on the outside."
He lay down for a moment, his face buried in the soft fabric.  
"We're never going to get there, are we? I mean, there's fucking twelve year olds that can play Zigeunerweisen, right? Should I have gone and studied med?"
Brett's hand stroked his back gently. 
"I don't know, Eddy. I can't know what will happen. But I do know I believe in you and your talent and your dedication. In your power to make things the way you want them. The way we want them."
Eddy raised his head again, his heart quieter, the sobbing halted. 
"Thanks. I believe in yours."

Brett's hand was behind Eddy's head and he pulled him closer, giving him the softest, gentlest kiss, just there at the corner of his mouth. But the second he did it was like a current crackled between them, and everything inside him lit up all at once. Before he knew it Eddy was launching himself at his love.