Andante con Brio

CVII

Okay, so walking back to the pool had been all sorts of awkward. But Todd had just smiled briefly and waved at them to get back in the pool, like nothing weird had happened at all. Had Todd even told Ian where they had gone? Eddy guessed not. Then the four of them had stayed in the garden for ages, swimming, splashing and drying up in wooden recliners, chatting all the way until Todd's parents came home. And somehow, by the time they offered to order Chinese food and Eddy politely declined, saying he had to go home because his mum was cooking (he decided not to mention it would, in fact, be Chinese food) and he had promised to be home on time, he was feeling a lot better. So much better, in fact, and a lot more stable. It was like the rehearsal, the quiet of the afternoon, and the beautiful interlude with Brett in Todd's bedroom had cured him, somehow? Like it had chased away some of the demons in his head, and he finally knew now what he had to do. He had smiled at his friends as he left, giving Todd a clap on the shoulder that he hoped showed him how grateful he was for this day, and gone straight home, full of resolve. 

"Mama? You here?"
"Yes, Eddy. I'm in the kitchen."
He smiled as he kicked off his shoes and padded into the kitchen on his socks. 
"Did it go well?" His mum was stirring the hotpot she had promised him, which made his mouth water. 
"Yes, mama. It went great, and we had a swim in their pool, too, 'cause it was hot. Mama, can I just talk to you for a moment?"
She turned around, her raised eyebrows telling on her surprise. Then she walked to the living room and sat down at the table without another word. Eddy followed her and sat down on the chair opposite her. He looked out to the garden for just a moment, composing himself, expecting the anxiety to hit him full pelt, but it didn't. He was calm. He thought for a second about Brett, in the bedroom, and how beautiful he had looked. He smiled again and looked at his mum kindly. 
"Mama... I needed to find the words, so I didn't say earlier. But I need to ask you, I need to tell you how worried I am, whether you'll be okay here on your own, without me here. I need to know if you won't be lonely, because I'll feel so guilty about leaving you if you will. I... I just wanted to say... if you need me to stay, I will stay."
He watched her with earnest eyes as the silence stretched out around them, his soft words still floating, hovering there in this space he knew so, so well, but that was about to not be his living room anymore. Then his mum blinked once, twice, before very suddenly a tear overflowed and rolled down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly and looked down at her hands as if she hoped he hadn't seen. And he would have gotten up right then, to go and hold her. Maybe he would even be shocked by her tears, but it was like he was nailed to his chair, stuck in this moment that suddenly seemed to be lasting all day. After another eternity of silence she looked up at him again, her eyes full of emotion. 
"Oh, Eddy." she said quietly. "Is that what you have been so worried about?"
He nodded. What else was he going to say? Her hand slid over the table and grabbed his. 
"Eddy... I... I've always been strict. I don't know any other way. But it's only because I want the best for you. I've only ever wanted the best for you. Of course, since...."
She swallowed, and he squeezed her hand tight, because he knew straight away who she was thinking about. 
Oh God. Don't go there, mama. Don't think about that, please. Don't be sad, please.
She cleared her throat softly.
"Well, since then, it's not always been easy, and I'm sorry that this has been difficult for you too, apparently. But I would never want you to stay here for me. You know that. You need to go and live your life. I will be okay. I will."
For a second he wasn't sure whether she was trying to convince him or herself, but when he looked into her moist eyes he saw nothing but resolve. He swiped at the tear that was rolling down his own cheek now and got up abruptly. He sat down on the chair next to his mum and put his arm on her shoulder. He squeezed it gently and this time she didn't shrug him off. 
"Thank you, Eddy." she said quietly. 
And he would have been cynical, he would have asked her thank you for what, exactly, because he was leaving, right? But he didn't, because he knew what she meant. 
"Thank you, mum. For everything. I love you."