Andante con Brio

LI

He tried, he really had tried so hard all night and all morning to just be normal, just be himself. It wasn't like his friends could help this funk he had been in, could they? Plus, he was being an idiot anyway because no one else seemed to be in a funk at all, even though they had all been there in the opera house. Clearly he had been the only one who had been naive and they had all already known about all of this shit, or something. So he had dutifully laughed at Todd's jokes and listened to Ian's stories about this ballet orchestra he had been in, while making sure to be as close as he possibly could to Brett, the whole time. 
And this afternoon he had put on his swim shorts, followed the group to the little beach and sat down on the multicoloured towel his mum had ironed for him. Seriously. Who ironed towels that would be going on a beach? 
The second he thought of his mum the pang was back. They had talked most of yesterday night about the house, the house they would find with four bedrooms and that would become theirs fulltime. He hadn't been able help the excitement he felt, of course. 
Really, did they even need four bedrooms? He couldn't even imagine him and Brett sleeping in separate rooms, ever, once they would have the chance to be together always. He'd want to spoon him, each and every night, fall asleep with his head on his chest, wake up with his face just beside him on the next pillowe over. But he knew, just like Todd surely knew, that they would need to have a room each, to fool the outside world into thinking that's where they would be sleeping. 
And that was the biggest disappointment of them all, the thing that right now he couldn't even imagine ever telling his mum. 
Hey mum. Guess what. I'm gay. 
Yeah. She would send him away for good. He would break her heart and she would be all alone. 

"Jeez, Eddy, you joining the land of the living any time soon?"
Ian's voice jerked him back into the now and he blinked quickly behind his sunnies so the tears that were forming wouldn't fall. 
Fuck, he wasn't going very well at trying, was he? 
"Yeah, sorry mate. Just distracted."
Ian gave him a small smile and stuck out his hand. Eddy took it automatically and allowed himself to be pulled up. 
"I know, mate. Come on. I'll race you to the rock and back."
He blinked as he looked over the small foamy waves to the outcrop Ian was pointing at. 
Ian was a good swimmer, he knew, but so was he. And he knew he was strong, but that rock was a ways away. And he had no idea what the water was like here. Plus, the beach was tiny. No life guards anywhere to be seen. 
"You sure? You know if there's rips?" he said feebly. 
"Don't think so, the waves are all even, see?"
That was true, they were. And the old Eddy, the one who had seen the world through rose tinted glasses, who would have been so trusting of himself and his life, would probably have done the safe thing and said no. But this new Eddy... well, what did he have to lose, really? He walked back to his towel and threw the sunglasses on it. 
"Please don't sit on my sunnies while I go drown." he said to Todd, who grinned. 
"You swim good. You'll be fine, Eddy. I think."
He nodded. He didn't even look at Brett's eyes. He already knew they would be worried. 
Sorry, Brett. I have to do this. I have to prove that I'm still here, that I'm still breathing. 
Shaking his head at his own melodrama he walked to the water's edge again. 
"Okay, so there and back, whoever touches sand first wins?"
Ian nodded. He was looking just ever so slightly less brave now, but Eddy knew he was a good swimmer too. 
They would be just fine.