Shining Star//Dimming Light (VOL.2) (Felix X SKZ ONE-SHOTS)

Don't Hurt Him (JeongLix) [PART 2]

Pairing: Jeongin & Felix

Genre: Idol AU

!!TW!! : angst, trauma, mentioned non-con, mentioned manipulation, WOOJIN, basically "why" he left but not really 'cause it's pretty extreme but I just couldn't get the idea out of my head, mentioned psychological and physical abuse, mentioned rape, implied harassment, victim blaming, guilt, I think underage should also be tagged since Felix wasn't legal at the time?, please don't take this as hate toward Woojin I'm just using the fact that he's an ex-member as inspiration and these are not actual or factual allegations against him, separation anxiety, codependency, confrontation

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It wasn't easy.

Even two years after everything went down, it still wasn't easy. Even with Woojin out of the picture, even with the fans finally coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't coming back, even with the tensions in the group finally dying down and their bonds growing tighter and their popularity growing by the day—

No, Felix doubted it'd ever get "easy".

Sometimes, it almost felt like a fever dream. He'd wake up some mornings and not even remember it happened – and when the memories came crashing down on him out of nowhere, he felt like he could suffocate and drown in the pain they brought along. Even with the support of his groupmates and the psychologist he met with twice a month, Felix still had a hard time moving on from what happened.

(Frankly, he doubted he ever would. It felt like everyone simply expected him to forget about it and move on with his life now that two years had passed, but his trauma wasn't some sort of band-aid he could just rip off and throw away – it was a deep wound to the soul that was only just starting to scar, and the mark would never fully go away.)

It wasn't to say that he was unhappy. Lately, he had a lot more good days than bad ones – he'd grown more confident in his Korean and his looks, he no longer doubted his place in the group, and he could now smile again without feeling like an impostor every time he did so. While Woojin's psychological abuse had definitely left its mark, Felix had managed to overcome most of his issues thanks to the constant love and support from his members and his fans.

He'd grown to love himself, too. To be more forgiving of his own flaws and humanity. Sometimes, he'd wonder if he'd simply grown too exhausted of hating himself – but most of the days, he genuinely felt proud and content of his achievements and progress, so he'd take what he could get. But the hardest was, without a doubt, the guilt that constantly plagued his heart. 

To this day, he still couldn't shake off the feeling that he could have done more, that he could have done things differently, that if he'd just done something then maybe Jeongin wouldn't have gotten caught up this mess too.

During the less good days, he often questioned himself. He still wondered if he actively consented to it, if maybe Woojin was right and he did say "yes", if maybe he was as much to blame for everything as his tormentor was—

"You're spiraling, love. Come back to me."

Gentle words and a feather-like kiss. Felix blinked a few times, reconnecting with reality, and belatedly remembering that he wasn't alone. Shaking his head a bit, he offered a small, apologetic smile at the boy – no, he was a man, now – holding him, leaning up to press a small kiss to his cheek before settling more comfortably against his chest.

"Sorry about that."

"Tired?"

"A little. Didn't sleep much yesterday – had to stay up late to work on the new choreo with Minho-hyung and Hyunjin."