Not Willing To Love Again

Chapter 58

Jacob's Funeral Two Weeks Later...

Bella P.O.V

This time, it was real, the whole thing. Jacob was actually dead this time, there was no doubt. I stood in front of the coffin where he laid, wearing a black suit.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed, "it's my fault you're here. Now, you were going to be a dad, and she took it away from you."

After the whole incident at La Fe, Edward took me to a therapist. He thought, maybe he knew, it wouldn't be easy for me to take in the whole situation. Jacob's death. My mother trying to murder me and my entire family and all those horrible things I found out that horrible day.

Dr. Martin said I shouldn't blame myself for his death, or that I'm the reason why my mother went crazy. But, it's really hard. How can you bare the idea of losing half your family, which was my mother and Jacob.

"Hey, sweetie." His arms wrapped around my shoulders, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Hi, Dad," I whisper, looking at Jacob. After  my mother was taken away, Charlie, Tanya and I grew a family bound. We talked and worked things out at last.

"Stop blaming yourself," he whispered. "It's not your fault, sweetheart."

"I'm... It's just-"

"Self forgiveness," Dad reminded me. "Edward took Matthew to the bathroom, Tanya has Beth. I think you should go see her."

I nod. Dad walked me down the aisle where Tanya and Irina stood, talking. Tanya smiled at me and gave me Beth.

"How are you doing?" I asked Irina.

She shook her head, rubbing her belly. "It'll get better, I hope," she said. "How about you? What did Dr. Martin say?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "He said I should forgive myself, that none of this was my fault."

"You should, Jacob would've wanted that," Tanya said, rubbing my shoulder. "This was a hell of a journey."

"It sure was," I said, looking at Beth that slept in my arms. "You'll be okay now."

~~~~~ Weeks Later ~~~~~

Dr. Martin closed his notebook and smiled at me. "You've done great, Bella. I've told you, forgiving yourself will help a lot with what you're going through."

I sighed. "Probably, yes. I've had Edward and my family by my side, so I guess it's all gonna be okay now."

"Have you visited your mother, like I requested?" He asked.

"I tried, but she said she never wanted to see me again," I said, trying to forget that moment when the guard told me my mother didn't want any visors. Not even me.

I got up and walked up to the window, crossing my arms. I looked at the view of Seattle in the afternoon.

"After everything, I still need to tell her that I forgive her," I said, looking outside. "There's no hate, no matter how much she hurt me."

"You have a kind heart, Bella," Dr. Martin said, "but, think about what I told you: forgive yourself. Don't you think that maybe the reason your mother doesn't want to see you is because she can't forgive herself?"

"Maybe," I said, "I hope she does."

That afternoon I sat on the backyard of the house Edward rented here in Seattle while the mansion back at La Fe is under reconstruction. I pulled my knees up to my chest and laid my chin on them. Soon after a while Edward came and wrapped his arm around my waist and sat next to me.

"Hey, Love," he said, kissing my shoulder.

"Hey," I said, looking at his hand. "Where are the kids?"

"Matthew is with Esme, Rosalie, Alice and Consuelo at the kitchen, they're making chocolate cake and Beth is with Carlisle and the guys. Tanya, Charlie and Irina are on their way."

I nod.

"You've been really quiet these past few days," he said, "still thinking about your mother?" He asked.

"Dr. Martin said that maybe the reason why she won't see me it's because she hasn't forgiven herself," I said. "But, no, I'm not thinking about that."

"Then?" He asked, again, looking at me with a frown.

I smiled and looked at him. "I don't hate my mother, Edward, I think that I'm actually grateful."

His frown grew bigger. I slowly stroke his face, and said, "If it wasn't for her and her greed, I would've never met you. Yes, my mother did some horrible things and the result of all that was losing Jacob and our home. But, what if not? What if she were a normal mother and never did any of this?"

"We would've never met," he whispered.

I nodded, again. "I probably would have ended up marrying Jacob, you will continue to be Mr. Asshole Cullen, never would've known that Matthew was your son, etc. I think we should be grateful that my mother's greed went beyond the expected and we met."

"You detested me when we met," he pointed out.

"Do you blame me?" I asked. "You were a prick when we met."

He chuckled and nodded, "That's true. I was," he said and added, "I was the asshole who thought I could get you under my control, who forced you to marry me, sleep with me and technically love me but at the end of the day, I was just another immature kid who's crazy in love with a independent, rebellious and most stubborn women."

I smiled at him, "I'm glad it's over." I laid my head on his shoulder. "Promise me you'll never leave me."

"I promise," he said, taking my hand and kissing my knuckles softly. "As long as you promise me you'll love me forever."

I chuckled and leaned over to kiss the back of his neck, "I can guarantee you that."

I had a feeling our lives will now be perfect, well, as long as we had each other.
Author's Note:

No, this is not the end. Yet. I apologize that I haven't published but I've been really busy back home that it hasn't given me the time to write. Now, I've been deciding which story would be good to publish first after NWTLA and FAA are done, some have shown interest in Unconditionally, but I'll let you guys know before I publish the epilogue.

March 31, 2015

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~Joan0324