a new home || sleepyboisinc

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cw/tw - mental health issues

~ technos pov ~

i hear a knock at my door and then see dad closing the door behind him, i put my phone down and look back up at him knowing what it was about. i did regret saying that immediately but i know there's nothing i could do about it now, i knew it would hurt tommy but it's too late.

"techno you know why i'm here" he sat down at the foot of my bed "why did you say that? you know what it's like in the foster system, do you think he wants to go back there because i know you wouldn't want to"

"i don't know why i said it and i know it was wrong, i wouldn't wish the foster care system on anyone" i say "i'm sorry"

"i'm not the one you should be apologising to" he looks back up at me "what's going on with you techno? if you don't want to talk to me i can ring Dr. Barlow and you can talk to him"

Dr. Barlow is my therapist, i don't see him as often as i used to but when i was younger i saw him quite a lot. it did help quite a lot if i'm honest, when i was younger i had a lot of trouble opening up to people. although i still struggle with it i find it a lot easier than before.

"no i'm fine, just been stressed recently"

it wasn't a full lie, i had left out many parts. i don't like being a burden to people and worrying them so i just keep it inside, i had a lot of trust issues growing up which isn't really a surprise. it took a while for me to actually trust dad where as wilbur did it quite quickly, i've always envied wilbur.

i've always wanted to be him, he has a good group of friends, plays guitar, has some sort of social life as well as many people who actually like him.

i'm the opposite, i never had many friends although wilbur tried to introduce me to them but i never really got along with them, i have no talent except sword fighting which isn't really a talent in my opinion and for some reason in year 7 i made it my mission to make everyone hate me.

"what have you been stressed about, if it's school i can ring them and talk to them about it"

"no, i'm fine dad don't worry"

that was another lie, i hated lying to my dad but i had no choice. i couldn't explain to him what was wrong with me because i didn't know either, recently i've just had this random wave of sadness following me everywhere and it wont leave.

i don't know how to talk to people about it because i've never been good at this stuff and i know dad only wants the best for me and wants to make sure i'm okay but i don't want to disappoint him. he's so proud of wilbur all the time and i just feel useless compared to him.

i know i sound pathetic right now but it still hurts, the feeling of never being enough is draining. i keep lashing out at my family, at my teachers and i don't even feel motivation to do anything anymore. i used to love going outside and play football as well as having sword fights but now it just feels like a chore to do anything.

im lost on what to do. the thought of leaving school is stressful as well as exams, i just don't know how to talk to anyone.

bit of a vent also ty for 40k reads wtf!