froggie | taegi

seventy-seven

"i think i've finally accepted it wasn't my fault"

yoongi's therapist wrote domething down before speaking, "tell me about it" she spoke, yoongi took a deep breath before speaking.

"for years, i felt that it was my fault that i was physically, verbally, and mentally abused. i often blamed it on myself because i believed it was because of my autism. now, i realize 12 year old yoongi shouldn't have had to carry those burdens. it's not my fault. of course, the irrational thought comes and goes but i can always reassure myself it wasn't my fault"

yoongi played with his hands, tears in his eyes, "yoongi, i'm so glad you can realize that. it's a huge accomplishment. after 7 years or so, you finally accepted and that's amazing"

yoongi smiled a bit and nodded. he felt proud of himself too.

"what has this made you realize?" she asked, he liked his therapist. she was gentle with him when talking about his past traumas and didn't force him to speak but did encourage it.

"i think it has made me realize i'm stronger than i think i am. what i'm struggling with right now are my trauma behaviors" he spoke, playing with the frog fidget she had.

she nodded, "like what behaviors?" she asked, "the other day my fiance adjusted his belt and i started shaking because it reminded me of my father and i break down when i do something wrong because i can physically feel my body tense as if i were to get hit again"

she wrote something down, "what i noticed in you is that when challenging things like this is, you do better with exposure. so let's give that a try" she said, yoongi nodded, "can you send an email to my husband about how he can help?" he asked, she nodded.

"i will after our session, i want to know some more trauma reactions you have" she said, "i'm scared to eat when i need to and buy new things when i need them. my biological parents gave me a limited amount of food so i usually starve until i feel i can't anymore and they never let me buy things i wanted of needed so ot just grew with me"

the therapist adjusted her hair,"i think that should be our number one priority because taking care of yourself will get you where you need to be and will help you heal. you can't change the past but you can help your present. you can do this, try it out"

he nodded, feeling his palms sweaty and sticky. he wasn't used to spoiling himself like this. by spoiling, he meant giving himself the basic necessities.

-

"baby, your shoes are ripping" taehyung said, yoongi looked at his checkered vand that had dirst all over them and were peeling from the sides.

"mhm.." he said, "i don't want to buy new ones" yoongi said, "why not? i know you have the money. your therapist emailed me and said you need to start taking care of yourself when you need it"

yoongi looked at his shoes that were probably not going to last him a month more.

-

"papa! i need new shoes! the kids at school are making fun of my shoes!" he frowned, pointing at his red, dirty shoes.

they were starting to hurt his feet too, he had been needing new shoes, "so ungrateful! i bought you these last year! i don't want to buy you any more, they're perfectly good! you think i want to waste money on you?" he shouted, yoongi frowned.

"stop manipulating with your frown!" he sighed, "your stupid face makes me mad!" he shouted, slapping him across the face.