Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 1

"Hold me, I am falling apart."

She woke up panting heavily, as if she had seen a nightmare. Indeed, it was a nightmare, already happened 3 years ago.

Divorce.

Her quivering hands caught the hold of the glass kept on the nightstand, and she chugged in enormous sips. Her forehead was soaked with sweat, the bangs sticking onto it. Her lips trembled as she heaved a tired sigh. The room was dark, the curtains forbade the sunlight.

Her trembling fingers clutched the duvet closer as she tried to hide herself from the harsh reality. The flashbacks cascaded down the memory lane as she whimpered, the tears were brimming her almond eyes.

It had been 3 years now since the divorce had happened but what about the memories, the nightmares, the tears, the feeling of guilt and loneliness? How could she throw them out of her mind?

It was as if yesterday she was laughing her heart out in his embrace, holding on to him tightly. It was as if yesterday she had kissed him, giving herself to him. Oh, how jealous she felt of her own happy memories. And now whatever was left was making her heart churn to pieces, making her feel the pain so closely.

"I wish I was a little more patient. I wish I would have trusted him the same he trusted me..", the incoherent voice echoed in the silence of the turquoise room.

We were so happy back then.

His teary eyes. His sweaty forehead. His trembling voice. His folded hands. His broken heart.

Her heart shuddered at the faint memories. The guilt started to eat her up as she screamed, "GO AWAY! PLEASE STOP THESE VOICE IN MY HEAD!" Her lips quivered, she chewed them dangerously, and soon the blood was dripping off the swollen lips.

Her knuckles had turned pale as she gripped the white satin sheets tightly.

"P-Please leave me alone", she wailed, tears tracing down her milky white cheeks.

She stepped down the bed, her legs had lost their strength, yet she ran towards the bathroom, to wash those thoughts. The thoughts which only had him.

~

The coffee mug on the table witnessed her lonely eyes, staring in the void. Her fingers played with the food while the heart played with the strings of emotions.

Only she knew how tired she was. Tired of pretending to be okay without him. Tired of waiting to get a single glimpse of him.

..Flashback..

"Can I get some more Samgyeopsal? I missed your cooking", he husked, back hugging her.

..Flashback ends ..

His small gestures filled her heart with immeasurable happiness. They had this strength to make her fall for him harder everyday.

She smiled unknowingly but soon it wilted, his last words danced in front of her dreamy eyes:

"You will still visit Subin, right? He still has the right to see his m-mom?"

The pain in his voice choked her.

Those eyes were screaming his pains but that face had a smile. How much he tried to sound calm, his voice cracked up, heart cracked up, his love made it hard but her cold gazes felt satisfied seeing him suffering.

He could lie to the world but she could always read his eyes.

And this time she very clearly saw the hate igniting in them underneath the love.