Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 44

"I chose to suffer silently just to make sure no one else feels hurt."

She breathed a sigh; her fingers were shaking badly as she gripped onto the helm of her skirt. Her eyes were numb, seeking for warmth.

She licked her lips, washing away the dryness. It was hard. It was hard to see him everyday yet never being able to hold him. He was a dream she was tired of seeing yet sought for more. The memories cascaded down in front of her eyes as snowfall.

She looked down the balcony and there he was, standing close yet far.

.. Flashback..

"Y/n", she looked back when the voice reached her ears. It was his mother, standing at the door  of the hospital room with a bunch of white roses and a weary smile. Her heart shuddered, she felt herself being crushed by rocks.

The lady walked in, sat next to her and caressed her cheeks, "How are you feeling now?"

Doesn't this lady hate her? After all she was divorcing her son in not more than a week.

"Eomma-"

"Call me Mrs. Jeon, I don't want it to hurt me when you leave us", she passed to her a wrinkled smile, placing the flowers next to her.

"I am not here to beg you for anything. I know it's your decision and I respect it. But.. I just wanted to say you made things so complicated for my son. I have never seen him so lost. I can't understand when he became so vulnerable. He has always loved you, more than anything. How? How could he not prioritize himself over you? How could he lose himself for you?

Y/N I don't blame you or him. I blame the time.. maybe he loved the right person at the wrong time. He never cried, not even a drop and today he is shedding an ocean. I can't see him like this. I am no one to say don't leave him.. all I can say is promise me you will never break him more if you ever crossed paths with him in the future." 

..Flashback ends..

Tears blurred her vision, choking her. Her lips fluttered, she brought her fingers up to her face and pushed back her bangs, her forehead was damped with sweat.

Her eyes were fixed at his figure.

Suddenly he turned around, catching her staring at him. She flinched, quickly dropping her sight, fidgeting with her fingers. He frowned, the air fanned his face, hitting his buff body, piercing through his dried lungs.

He excused himself and walked out of the place. The moment she lifted her eyes, he wasn't there anymore. Did he go away?

She gasped hardly, her hands placed on her chest. Her pupils dilated as she turned around, seeing him standing so close, looking right through her soul. It was as if she has forgotten how to breathe.

"Do you want something?", he finally spoke, his voice was raspy and deep, just like the way she had always loved. 

"H-huh?.. I..I", she stuttered, staring in his orbs, drowning deeper and deeper, trying to search for the warmth, but they were numb, cold, dead.

He chuckled seeing her state. He pushed his glasses up, ran his fingers through the lustrous black hair and leaned a little closer, "Can I help you in any way? You have been staring at me since what feels like ages Y/N."

Isn't your heart skipping beats? Is it just me?

"I..I.. Can we have dinner t-together?"

That came as a surprise to both of them. She didn't think that she would be so direct. He coughed, the muscles in his body cramped. He looked everywhere but her. He didn't know how to. It had been a while since they last talked about eating together. Let alone eating, they had never stood this close to each other ever after they parted their ways.

"I mean.. i-it's been a while.. ah.. so-"

"Sure, let's meet at the restaurant here at 7 pm today."

~

She sat straight, waiting for the man. Her yellow floral dress, straightened up hair, light makeup, white heels, everything looked perfect. She looked beautiful, more precisely she looked happy. She wasn't strong enough to face him, after all he was what she had been running away from for the past one year. She sighed heavily, trying to understand how could she bring herself to have a meal with him when once she wanted him to disappear.