Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 17

"You needed me and I never knew."

HOSEOK'S POV

The prayer meeting was so suffocating. He missed her so much but does she miss him?

He inhaled the smell of the fresh dandelions placed on Yumi's body as the eyes slowly started to tear up. I want to disappear but I want to stay. The rising moans in the hall made the scene so heart wrenching as the pain of her parents and in-laws becomes more evident.

Staring at the white covered body, his eyes eagerly waited for her to chirp his name like she always did.

"I am so sorry for your loss." A sad smile imprinted on those chapped lips as he continued to stare at her body and nodded slowly. "It's okay Yoongi hyung." Wrapping his arms tightly around his body, trying his best to lessen his pain he sighed at incompetency.

Her touch was the only cure.

"Jungkook is a crying mess. We can't handle him. Please Hoseok at least you do something." He sighed, closing his eyes but the feeling was numb.

After crying for hours, begging everyone to bring her back, he had realized that with her she took away all his emotions.

She was the light in the dark and now the only rekindling flame was extinguished.

Calming the pounding heart, he forced back the hair before nodding, "Where is Jungkook?"

In one of the corners outside the hall a boy in his black tux stood, facing nature, moistening his cheeks. The hands in the pocket formed a fist as he heard a familiar voice he had been hating now, "Jungkook-ah stop crying now, she is in a better place."

His eyes shut as the spine shivered with a sudden gush of anger, affecting his soul like a drug. Letting the anger not take the best of him, waking up the beast, he ignored his words and opened the eyes, continuing to stare in space.

"Yoongi hyung told me you are missing her a lot. Won't you come and give her a final farewell?"

And that's when the last nerve wrecked, making him lose his temper as he indignantly turns around holding the elder by his collar, "You motherfucker, you killed her! You are the reason she left me! How could you not sense her pain, huh?! What was she? A robot? You controlled her life the way you wanted. How could you treat your wife like trash?! Are you fucking crazy?!

She loved you so m-much h-hyung... Why did you do t-that to my Y-Yumi?...Why hyung, why?... Couldn't you see the love in her eyes?... Couldn't you see the respect she had for you? You are a monster, a fucking monster!... Huh, whom am I even talking to... a guy who can't even see the pale face of his wife when for all 3 months she was with you! God dammit hyung, how can you be so cruel?... She was suffering...suffering so much h-hyung... She needed you to l-love her at least once...but you never d-did. You harassed her so much-"

*SLAP*

"Do you even know what I am going through?! I never loved her? You know nothing. I loved her more than my own life. I was going to ask her to be the mother of my child and you are saying I never loved her?!... I was cold Jungkook but that doesn't give you any right to judge my love for her... What was she to you? Just a mere best friend but to me? She was my reason to liv-"

Blowing his jaw with a hard punch he cut him off, "Dare you open that trashy mouth in front of me. You yourself know how much she felt your love! Stop saying you loved her for god's sake when you never even tried to change... What sort of love was it when she still cried herself to sleep? What sort of love was it when she starved herself to be your ideal type? What sort of love was it when she was insecure around you 24*7?...Hyung she needed the words too!"

His cheeks burned, just like his heart. The tears rolled down like a river. His lips curved into a smirk. His fingers formed a fist, as he clutched his trouser. The grip was tight, just like the grip of sadness over his fragile heart. He pulled out a white folded paper, stained with tears.

"Yumi wanted to give this to you", he scoffed, shoving it in his trembling palms and turned around with a jerk. His long fingers ran through his black voluminous hair. His legs halted as he continued to look at the void, "This was our last meeting. You are nothing to me now Jung Hoseok. We are better off as strangers."

Resting his back against the wall, he crouched down as his words lingered shamelessly, in his sinking mind, he sighed, feeling distressed and guilty. No energy left in him to fight back. What was he going to fight back for? It was somewhere true and he knew it himself too. No courage left in him to even face his disappearing figure.

His coldness killed her. He lived under the same roof for 7 years but he never could make her feel like home.

~

His fingers weakly tapped the keys and entered the passcode to his apartment. He removed the shoes, placing them beside hers. The lips curve into a weary smile. He was tired. Tired of running away from himself. The smile couldn't reach his eyes. He had no strength to make it reach his eyes. His lips quivered, as a silent sob escaped his mouth, "I... am so sorry."

Without switching on any light he went straight into his bedroom and dropped his weary body on the bed, but the eyes were devoid of sleep, they were waiting for the other half of the soul to come back even if it was for once, "You really never felt any love of mine Yumi?"

Turning to his left he slowly grabbed her pillow and pulled it closer, snuggling into it and inhaling her fading scent, "I'll lose my sanity."

His tears cascaded down his already stained cheeks on the white sheets. His sobs were heavy. The room was filled with his painful pleas. His fingers shakily covered his ears as he could feel himself listening her painful voice, "N-No", he whispered. "NO! DON'T LEAVE ME! I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU!"

It took him a while to get control over himself. He mopped the tears, looking at his wedding ring. "I was not the man you wanted but I promise to become one now."

He chugged in some large sips of water and slid back unfolding the paper:

Hobi-ah I know you love me. You never showed it to me but lately I have started to feel the depth of your love. Your attitude never made me sad it just disappointed me rather it made me think I should have confessed to you already. For me it was never necessary that you kiss me, hug me, cuddle me or take me out on dates to show your love, even your smiles, thank you and are you fine were more than enough. It was an arranged marriage, there might be chances I was not up to your expectations. I am sorry Hobi, I really tried to become the best. I am diagnosed with stage 5 blood cancer and am going to die soon and by the time you will receive this letter I will already be dead. Don't worry my ghost will always haunt you ;)

Sorry for not telling you about my illness but I never wanted to be a burden to you, I want you to be happy...always. Promise me that after I am gone you will change not for me but for us, will you? I never want to see your beautiful eyes shedding any tears because I can't see you in pain. Jungkook must be angry at you but please forgive him, he is still a kid at heart.

I am sorry, I have committed a sin. You must have got to know about the divorce of Jungkook and Y/N?... It was because of me. I was a fool to call Jungkook to meet me instead of spending time with his wife on his anniversary. She misunderstood us as lovers. The ring which he had bought to propose to her, she thought he was proposing to me. It's the right of a woman to be angry at her man but what Y/N did out of anger is unexpected. She is spoiling not only her life but Jungkook's too. Save them Hoseok-ah... Promise me you'll fulfill my promise to Jungkook of making everything right. Help them get back together. Even if it takes years, promise me you'll stay with them. They are immature, they need your guidance, I entrust you with many responsibilities, please fulfill them. Goodbye until we meet in our next life. I love you and will always love you even if I die.

I love you too Yumi. Wait for me, I will be there to meet you in my afterlife. I wanted to change but it is too late and now when we will meet, I will be changed. Goodbye love, fly high.