Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 21

"I never knew the sudden silence between us would last for so long."

Passing a small smile to the receptionist, she wiped the hands with a tissue before throwing it in a bin and settling herself on the couch. "It was so tiring, finally he is getting discharged today".

Her head tilted as the space next to her sank, making her rest her head on his shoulder, "Thank you so much Hoseok, without you it would have been so hard."

She sighed as a sudden sadness hovered her heart, recalling all the moments she had spend together these days. He was so stubborn yet she tried to be patient with his every move.

"MOM, DAD IS AWAKE NOW, LET'S GO HOME!" She licked her lips, clutching the corners of her crimson skirt tightly, "Hoseok, I am tired now. It is sucking every pinch of energy left in me. " His hands caressed her hair, slowly gripping her tender hands, "I am there. If it's tiring use my energy."

Your presence with such an attitude is hurting me more than your absence.

~

She walked upto the living room, almost crawling, closed the door and wiped her sweaty forehead. Her hazel eyes peeped at the wrist-watch, taking a look of the time. She smiled slightly, fixing her hair strands. "It's time for lunch Hoseok, please have a seat while I cook something."

Hoseok clicked his tongue and licked the lips, pulling her by her wrist. He locked the stares with her, his eyes laced with apology, "I am getting late... I have a meeting. I'll come some other day."

"No need to lie but still have a safe drive", she hung her hands around his torso, lips forming a small pout. He laughed, patting her head. "You are a genius sweetheart. Anyways take care. I am just a call away."

I wish I could help you but I promise I'll try to make it right.

Jungkook sat on the couch, his fingers resting over his eyes, blocking his view. She approached him with timid steps, fidgeting with her fingers. "Let me take you to your room", he jolted, glaring at her with expressionless eyes, "I can help myself." He clicked his tongue and pushed the hair back, getting up to walk upstairs, "You can use the guest room."

She traipsed towards the kitchen, tying her hair in a bun and rolling up the sleeves of her shirt. Tightening the apron around her waist, she started cooking the food. His favorite food. Her fingers skillfully played with the food, a small smile never leaving her lips.

Finally turning off the flame, she walked to the dining table and plated the lunch. Untying the hair she let them rest against her hip and started to walk towards his room.

Her phone beeped, eyes catching the sight of a notification. Her smile dropped and eyes lost the happiness and she sighed feeling them tearing up. The fifth rejection made her feel worthless, forcing her to question her capabilities as she quietly sat on one of the chairs, staring at the phone screen with gloomy, glossy eyes.

JUNGKOOK'S POV

Resting his head against the headboard, he sat with crossed legs, staring at the picture in his phone as his eyes teared up but still the face seemed emotionless, "Was I too late to make you stay? Was I the only one to be blamed? Was it actually my fault? Was I too desperate for the contact that I couldn't stop you that night? The mind sank in deep thoughts as he slightly threw the phone at the bed and walked in the bathroom. Placing the towel on the bed he pushed back the hair before walking down to have lunch.

His nostrils inhaled the aroma and a small smile appeared on his lips. Seeing her sitting at the table he pulled a straight face before approaching her, eyes verifying her beauty. The sweaty forehead, plum lips, beautifully carved hands with a silver watch at one of the wrists, rosy cheeks, messy bun, closed eyes, tiny nose. Everything was perfect. His first love was perfect in his frame. "Ahem", he cleared his throat, sitting next to her. She smiled gently, pushing back her falling hair strands.

Why are you so unbothered while I am suffering so much?

His eyes widened slightly as they witnessed the tattoo on her neck. "She... changed so much", he murmured, hitting his thigh lightly feeling a bit restless and impatient.

"Mom, feed me", Subin chirpped, pushing his plate towards her as he saw her caressing his head and shoving the bite, from the corner of his eyes.

He saw her standing up, an anxious feeling never leaving her face. She tried to hide it the best but he could read her like an open book. "Aren't you going to eat Y/N?", he held her by her wrist. She halted, gulping the sudden current which her body felt. "Y/N?", he called out again causing her to turn.

His eyes were soft, filled with genuine worry but he hid it like an expert. She locked the stares with him,feeling herself drowning in those black orbs. "Earth to Shin Y/N", he snapped the fingers, her cheeks turning red in embarrassment. "I-I am not feeling well. I'll eat whenever I feel like."

"What happened?", his hand reached forward, about to touch her forehead when she gently slapped it away, "Don't worry about me Jungkook."

How can I not when I can't see you in pain?

Y/N's POV

Locking the door she walked towards the bed and sat on the edge. She loosened the hair as they fell, resting against her waist. Her fingers shakily placed her wrist watch on the nightstand and unbuttoned the first two buttons of her plain white shirt. She pulled her legs up, bringing them closer to her chest, "How will I find a job for myself? I can't let Jungkook know this. I can't let him hate Yoongi."

How much she tried to convince herself that she was fine but she was a human too. Everything hurt. Everything sucked all the energy she was trying to build everyday. She was trying hard but still losing it all. Pretending that she was strong, she tried to surpass every obstacle but the result was her heart broke more.

The eyes watered up as the mind played all the mess of her life, unwillingly.

Life has been hitting me hard. Harder than a truck.

Being questioned about her own existence, her character, her commitments by her own loved ones frightened her. The words hurt her. The reality was even more cruel. Her expectations hurt her the most every time. Herr promise broke her the most. She felt trapped and lost in this never ending maze.

I am losing my sanity to the world of insane emotions.

She fell on her back carelessly, gripping the sheets tightly. "Y-You know how much it hurts? I am tired. I am not o-okay. I have no strength left to make more efforts. I am so annoyed by this messed up life", she muffled her sobs, pressing her mouth tightly, digging the nails in the mattress. Her heart was heavy with the guilt she was trying to empty in the form of these tears. Her tears rolled down from the corner of her eyes, pooling beside her pillow.

She cried and cried with no one to hold her, no one to wipe her tears, no one to tame the tsunami of emotions in her. The walls witnessed her pleas, her guilt, her remorse and her regret but not the people she wanted.

"WHY CAN'T THESE VOICES IN MY HEAD STOP?!", she screamed, running towards the bathroom. She carelessly splashed the water on her face, rubbing her cheeks, leaving grazes all over them. A few of the grazes bled but nothing was deeper than the scar on her heart and the one she gave to her lover.

~

She let the gentle breeze hit her as she stood in the balcony, spreading her arms. Her mind replayed all the memories of her with him out of which she tried hard to pick only the pleasant ones but failed miserably, "Jungkook-ah when will my heart stop hurting you, me, everyone?"