Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 38

"What should I end? Love or pain?"

JUNGKOOK'S POV

He left his place, scooting closer to the picture. More tears left his beautiful doe eyes. His breathing became uneven. His fingers traced her face, even if it was just a picture, "It has been a year since I last saw you. You must be hating me so much now, right? But don't. Please don't h-hate me."

He wiped his running nose, gulping down the lump and mopped the tears too, "You must still be the same pretty young girl."

His fingers trembled as he wiped the sweat on his forehead. Just the thoughts of her made him feel too warm to give sweat. He hissed, rising to his feet and dusted off his black charcoal pants. The lips were devoid of moisture. He bit them roughly as a thin stream of blood oozed out, "I..."

Suddenly he felt nervous. Even letting out what was on his mind to her picture scared him. What if it hurt her? For sure he was crazy. He rubbed the palms against each other, a current ran down his spine. Oh lord how much he wanted to hide in a hole at the moment.

It's just a picture.

"I regret everything I did.. I miss you but I will not cry because I know somewhere or the other it will sadden you.

I want to meet you and confess everything. I want to tell you how much I am dying to make you mine again but.. I.. I fear your rejection.

You asked me that day, what were you to me? Let me answer you today then. 

I have no words to express our bond. I wish everyday was our first day meeting each other, I want to fall hard for you every day. Those blue eyes of yours, drowned me deeper than any ocean.

Sometimes I feel I love you, sometimes the sad memories make me want to hate you.

Why did we end up like this? I am not used to this loneliness. I am not used to being h-hated upon by you.

I feel so deprived of life, now that you are gone.

Smoking every day, I try to blow away the sad memories just like those smoke rings.

Every day I stay up late at night, waiting for you to come b-back, hold me, tell me that you will stay up until I fall asleep.

Even in my dreams, I see you too transparent to pull you towards myself.

I know I was w-wrong, but can't I be forgiven?

We started as strangers not to end up being s-strangers Y/N? Can't you hear me screaming every night, begging for us to be the same lovers from past?

You started this, I wanted to end it. But everything just ended us?

I promised to stay by your side, forever. Call me once and I'll be on the way, running barefoot on those concrete roads. 

You were wrong once but.. I lost 2 chances to make things right. I should have fought for us.

 Your presence, your absence, your punishments, it is my bitter reality. You are my unbreakable dynasty. You gave me a lesson, now, please let me repent?

 Come back to me p-please? Call it my greed but you are my last wish. Please give our relationship a chance again?"

His eyes were numb, shedding silent tears internally. There was no emotion in those orbs but regret. At this point, he felt too tired to even cry.

He lost his appetite, walked out of the room, planning to grab a coffee on the way.

~

"One Affogato please", he blurted, the eyes traversing through the menu card, but nothing caught them. Disappointed, he lifted up those doe eyes and thrusted some air in those dried lungs.

"Only coffee", the waitress passed him a small smile as she scribbled on the page of her tiny yellow notepad. 

"Please wait till I get your order", he nodded, making himself comfortable on the chair. He pulled his coat closer, fixed the ebony black muffler and started scrolling through his phone.