Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 5

SELF HARM MENTIONED

- - -

"Apologies won't always repent the damage."

Brushing her fingers against his, she coiled her hands causing him to stop and look at her. " Can we talk? Please?", he wagged a yes and asked his son to get in the car.

"What?", he derided, noticing the latch onto his hand as she left his hand instantly, making him simper in exasperation.

"H-How have you been Jungkook?" Her eyes dared not to look at him. She could never look at him like before and she stood at a good distance respecting his proximity.

Taking a sip of water, he placed the glass back at its position and forced his hair back, "Amazing!" The tint of mockery was very much evident.

"How is-is your work g-going?"

"None of your business", he answered, with rudeness visible in his voice. For him, she had lost all these rights to ask about his personal life. The life which she destroyed by her own hands.

She flinched, hanging her head low with closed eyes trying her best to not let the tears retrench, in taking the feeling of hurt.

Do I mean nothing to you now?

Drawing in some air, she glanced at the glass window, embezzling a grip of the table cloth causing her knuckles to turn chalky white. She suspired, tucking a hair strand behind her ears before plucking up the courage to make an eye contact with him. "I am sorry Jungkook, I should have list-".

"Stop this shit, will you?!"

His chest was filled with piercing breaths, the eyes were vicious, the fingers clutched the edge of the table. "For god sake's stop this nonsense. I am really tired of this shit, can't you fucking see that?" 

He heaved an angry sigh, and continued to snarl, "Do Apologies actually exist for you? Do you even know its meaning? Does everything appear to be a joke to you? HUH?! Just forget that this word can ever exist in your life Shin Y/N! Your sorry will not make everything right. It will not fix the heart. It won't fix me or the damage you caused to my son-"

"Our. He is our son Jungkook-"

"OH REALLY? OUR? EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING YOU STILL THINK I WOULD LET YOU ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AS YOUR SON?.. Where were you in these 3 years when he was crying for his mother? Where were you when he was sick? Where were you when he celebrated his birthdays alone? Where were you when he wanted to go to parks? Where were you when he first learnt swimming?  Where were you at times when he got hurt? I don't think you ever considered him as your son. Did you?"

Her head was hanging low, as she chewed upon her lower, the tears brimmed her hazel eyes. Her hands clutched her purse tightly, his words were pushing him deeper in the pit of her dark days, "I..I love him, I love him a-a lot", she whispered.

He scoffed pushing his fingers through his black hair, "These words won't compensate for whatever you did to him Y/N. He won't say it but let me tell you, you broke him in this revenge of breaking me. My son cried so much every night while I could do nothing, I couldn't become his mother. He would never replace you with anyone, but you never cared."

"S-Sorry", her voice was broken, her shattered eyes gawked into his black ones. 

He fisted his hand, closed his burning eyes and crashed his brows together. His anger was taking the best of him, "Can your sorry revive the lost love in our relationship? Can it clear my miseries? Can it wipe the tears I and my son cried? Can your sorry prove me right and you wrong? Can you bring back my happy family? Can it make me love you huh?! Can-can it make you love me? CAN IT?!"

He walked out, not even sparing a glance at her, who was by now crying silently not caring about the presence of anyone, crying over her fate, crying over her wrongdoings, crying over her losing love, her hatred for herself and her falling stars.

Somewhere he sounded right. He was so hurt and broken that words can't measure his pain. Carrying so many emotions with him for the past 3 years he built a strong wall around his shattered heart. He was shaken to the core and now the relationship was failing to stand erect and upright.

Standing under a tree, he was crying his heart out with no one by his side to calm him, "Why did you leave me in the first place if you had to come back like this, why Y/N? What am I? A toy? Use-use me while you please and throw me when you are d-done? I w-want to move on, stop it, your sorry is hurting me more."

~

Unlocking the door, she took off her shoes before throwing the purse aside and falling on the couch, "W-Where do we stand n-now?" Her voice echoed in the silence of the apartment; the night seemed dreadful. The winds hit the window pain, as if mocking her fate. Closing her eyes, she let the warm fresh tears fall as she rested her head on the board. She wasn't crying because he didn't accept her apology, she was crying because he was right. He was right back then too. He was right today too. He will forever be right. She was crying because she really did hurt her son the most in this phase of revenge and love. The kid did nothing wrong then why did he get punished? 

She sighed heavily as her phone rang breaking the silence the walls reciprocated. She rummaged through her purse and looked at the screen, Jungkook .

With shaking fingers she brought it closer to her ears, "Mom?"

Her heart skipped a beat.

"Subinie?", her voice was hoarse, yet she didn't want her son to find out that she cried.

"Did you reach home mom?", her eyes shed the tears as the lips curved into a dreamy smile, "Yeah I did. Did you?"

He replied almost instantly, "Yes we did. Dad even bought me ice cream~"

She broke into a tiny laugh listening to his melodic voice, "Oh really?"

"Yes! You will buy one for me too when we will go to amusement park right?"

"Why only ice cream? Mom will buy you everything."

And when the call ended, she sat there for what felt like hours, crying and regretting over many unsaid things.

~

When she felt that the tears had dried up, she lazily got up from the couch, dragging her weak body towards her bedroom.

Bawling her fists, she sighed opening the drawer and taking out a shiny object. She walked up to the balcony and dropped her body like a trash. Her eyes were red, sobs were uncountable, hair were messed up. Her fingers held the bottle of alcohol, lying on the coffee table. Chugging enormous sips she smashed it at the wall, breaking it into pieces, just like her heart. Her fingers fetched out the paper cutter she had brought from her room, staring at it with questionable eyes. Raising her left hand she sliced her wrist, without feeling any pain. The oozing blood made her feel satisfied and she made herself ready to slice again but the attempt failed.

"Are you out of your mind?!" She scoffed, harshly tilting her head to the left. He was fuming in anger, seeing his best friend in such a state. But she had nothing else to showcase. She didn't have the strength to face him.

He rushed inside, coming back with the first aid. But how will these medicines cure the scar on her heart?

"What happened?", he asked, minding his business of cleaning the wound.

That's it. It was her extreme. She sobbed loudly, hugging him like a koala, gripping his shirt in her tiny fists. He patted her back, even though he knew she weren't calming any sooner.

"He hates me. He-He will never forgive me Hoseok. I am a bad mother. A really b-bad mother Hoseok." The grip on his torso tightened. Even he could hear her heart thumping crazily against his body. That loud it was beating, beating for forgiveness.

She pulled out, wiping her tears carelessly. The red nose made her look adorable. "Am I so bad that I can never be forgiven? " She let out her insecurity, making him gloom. He had no words to make her feel better. But he knew, she deserved this. He knew, she was the criminal in her own love story.

"I think he was right Y/N."