Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 46

"Your voice, it hurts me. Your love, it kills me."

- - -

"I am sorry for what I did", he broke the kiss, gawking in her eyes with his painful ones. She stood their silent, tears streaming down her face, staring in his eyes.

The silence was deafening.

He gulped the lump, trying to curve his lips in a smile, just like he would always do, and broke the silence, "I am sorry for l-loving you. I don't know when did all this happen. I know you don't l-love me. You can never."

A tear rolled down his cheek, finally and she saw it. Her heart wrenched seeing him like that. She had promised to never hurt him. Now how will she be able to forgive herself?

"I don't want you to love me either. Never. I don't d-deserve it but someone out there deserves it. Let him love you. Please get back with J-Jungkook", he whimpered, his legs trembling with every word he uttered. Oh, how hard it was for him to give his love to someone else.

"He loves you so much Y/N. He loves you more than I could ever. And you know what's the worst thing?", he scoffed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "You l-love him too." He stepped closer to her, cupped her cheeks and wiped her tears. "Your love for him never d-died", he whispered, with sad eyes.

"N-No", she pushed him away, talking a few steps backwards.

"No, Hani. I don't. I c-can't love him. I DON'T LOVE HIM YOON JEONGHAN!", she pulled her hair, collapsing on her knees, with quivering lips and an aching heart.

"Aren't you tired of lying now? Until when are you going to keep yourself in darkness? UNTIL WHEN?!", he yelled, tears not willing to stop.

He walked closer to her, bending to her level, and joined his hands together, "I beg you, stop l-lying to yourself, to me, to him. S-Stop lying to your heart."

"I am n-not lying", she titled her head away, looking everywhere but him.

He clenched his jaws and slammed his fist on the sand, "GODDAMMIT! STOP LYING FOR FUCK'S SAKE SHIN Y/N!" She flinched hard, making him feel guilty, as he tried to grip her hands, "B-Bimbo", he called softly, making both of them cry bitterly.

"I-If you don't love him then why didn't you kiss me back?

Why did you go on a dinner date with him?

Why were you crying in your room today, holding his b-blazer?

Isn't this dress gifted by him?

Didn't you meet him in the l-lift that day?

You never wore any ring in your ring finger after d-divorce, ain't I right?

He was holding you so c-close in the lift that day.."

Her heart shattered to million pieces with every sentence. She had nothing to answer him. Her sobs were so painful. It hurt his heart to make her cry, but that was the only way left for him.

"I saw love in his broken eyes that day in the cafe. I saw the pain too, when you hugged me. I saw how he fought back with his tears every time he saw us t-together. I saw him suffer. I saw him burn in regrets and pain.

Y-You love him. You love him more than you can imagine-"

*SLAP*

His head titled to the left as she cut him off with a hard slap. He smiled bitterly, staring at the waves with his teary eyes. She held him by his collar, her hands were shaking badly and crashed her fragile body in his arms, hoping him to hug back, make herself feel better.

He smirked, closing his eyes, letting the tears damp his cheeks, the breeze hitting his face, partially drying his tears. He felt tired at this point. He felt tired of being her comfort place. He felt tired because she was never his comfort place.

After what felt like ages he pushed her by her shoulder, staring in her orbs with his numb ones, "Try to figure out your feelings. It's better to be late than never."

He stood up, dusting the sand off his pants, passed to her a last smile, and turned back, heading to the hotel.

Her cries became louder as she held her chest, bawling her eyes out. Her lips puckered as she waited for him to turn and run back to her, embracing her.

But he was going far.

~

JUNGKOOK'S POV

He dragged himself out of the bathroom, dressed in fresh clothes, feeling sobber.

The moment his body collapsed on the bed, he felt it breaking to pieces. The eyes looked tired. He grabbed his phone from the nightstand to see his schedule for the next day when he heard a knock at the door.