Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 29

"A war I fought with no arms to protect myself."

"What is it you want to tell me?" Hoseok flopped on the chair, raising his eyebrows, finding her unexpectedly quiet.

He scooted closer to her, rejecting the waiter as she continued to stare at the geometrical patterns on the wall.

He fixed a hair strand behind her ear and leaned closer, "Are you okay?"

She flinched at the sudden closeness as he shifted back loosening his tie, "About me and Jungkook." She stared at his face with mixed emotions as she could see his lips turning into a small smile, "Are you back on terms?"

She didn't know herself so how could she even try to explain to him? Somewhere in the heart it felt real yet full of hate.

"What is love to you?", she mumbled, fidgeting with her dress. The young man in front of her could feel his body stiffen. He gulped the lump, heart beating crazily, thoughts running wild in his brain. "What do you think it is to feel loved?" She questioned again.

He smiled, pressing his lips into a thin line, catching the hold of her sweaty palms. He took them into his, scooting closer to her. His eyes had a shine, different from his usual days. "Love means being able to differentiate between people. Being able to find a true meaning to soul. Being able to commit yourself to words."

"...And to feel the love means to enjoy every moment. To know what it is to be born with wings. To have your own sky. To have your own priorities. To know how to face yourself, even if it means the weak one."

Her face had that infamous puzzled look. The eyes were withering in confusion as she continued to stare at him with the hazel eyes, reflecting the sunlight falling on her pearly face.

"Am I not worthy enough to be called a lover if I fail to commit to words?" Her voice was seeking for the answers she wanted to give to herself, to tame the tsunami of emotions. To be able to stop the voices in her head. To be able to stop looking at herself as a criminal, a murderer and a selfish human being.

He let out a muffled laugh. She looked like a lost kid. His fingers transitioned between the photos in his gallery skillfully.

"What according to you is commitment?" Hoseok asked, staring at the picture of his dead partner with twinkling eyes. This time not with tears but with pride.

"Not lying?" She was so confused, trapped in a never ending maze of doubts.

"Is it? Commitment means being able to understand the consequences of that one lie on your heart. If it makes you feel guilty then you still understand the importance of the words but if it makes no difference it means you are immune to feelings. You are immune to love. You are the silhouette of that actual reason to fall apart. Its not lie, it's the persons efforts in making the lie a cause." He caressed her hair as she tilted her head to the side.

"I don't know what to call it? We are on terms yet can feel the distance. I love him but somewhere I feel that I don't deserve it. His eyes show the love he has for me but the hate clouds over the love so easily."

"He kissed me." She took a pause, to see the reaction on her best friend's face. To her surprise he was still calm. The brown hair of his danced in the cool breeze.

"Was he sincere?", she nodded in a nanosecond. "It felt very sincere. His kiss was too sincere to be questioned but I still doubt. What if it was not what I am thinking it to be? I find myself falling behind in understanding him, his heart, his emotions. I feel so small. I have no hint of what my actions can cause him to feel."

"Has he ever said he hates you?" Hoseok by now had squat down on his knees, staring directly in her eyes. She flinched, almost invisible to the human eyes.

"That's the point. But he has never said I love you too. All he asks me is reasons for not hating me."

"Don't you think you are too desperate to earn forgiveness?" Her pupils dilated listening to his words, heart witnessed a crack too. Words felt disappearing from her mouth as she felt stuck in a loop of his words and her lover's.

"Don't you think it's more than enough of the efforts required to prove my sincerity?" She sounded selfish. But somewhere she was right. Everyday she blamed herself in order to understand the frequency of his pain. She isolated herself not only from others but also from her own self. To her eyes she wasn't she anymore. It was an individual living everyday with a sole aim. To earn forgiveness. To earn the fading love. To earn a shelter in his heart.

"He loves you. He loves you more than you can imagine. His love has no boundaries. If it's true then he will never let you go. If it's not then I don't think you should make any more efforts to force yourself to stay."

A bell rang in the corridors of her shrinking brain. Self respect. That's what she was paying as a cost to earn his forgiveness, his love. And all that came along with his never ending and immeasurable hate and sufferings. Her throat felt sore. The brain slowly to hold a grip on his words, started to process the words that had slowly started to spread in her nerves like a drug.

Her love story was a beautiful picturesque of them never getting enough of each other. But it ended in a blink of eye. She was the reason but he was extending it further. They both were falling apart but could not search for that one right step to hold it back.

Her eyes were blank as she continued to sit there for minutes. She snapped out of her terrain of thoughts as Hoseok's melodic voice rang through her ears, "Y/N?"

"It's evening already, I think we should head back to our homes." Hoseok stood up from his seat, brushing off the wrinkles from his steamy grey trousers. She fetched her belongings too. Her lips curved in a small smile as she saw him gesturing her to let him walk her home, just like a gentleman.

~

JUNGKOOK'S POV

"Shall I plate the dinner?", he sighed, nodding his head in tiny and flopped on the beige couch.

"How was your day?", She began the conversation, eyes catching a glimpse of him from the corner. He chugged in enormous sips of water and shifted back on his seat to make himself comfortable. Her heart feared her harsh and cold tone but to her surprise he was soft.

"Tiring? Got no break so now I can feel my bones cracking?" She laughed. He laughed too because he was successful in making her laugh.

"You cook amazing", he complimented, trying to break the ice of his heart. But he himself knew it was harder than rock. No matter how much he tried, it will end up in a disappointment.

"H-How is your work going?" The hesitation in his voice alarmed her. What now? How to tell him that she lost her job, thanks to his brother? No way in hell she was letting him hate his brother.

A lie breeds thousand new ones.

A new relationship was in the process of being built again but on a foundation of lie?

"I", she paused, in taking large amount of air, to feed her dried lungs. "...I resigned today." She saw his mouth starting to hang down and before he could jump on false conclusions she decided to clarify herself. "It's because I am bored of the old routine. I want to explore something new."

~

"Can-can you stay here until I fall asleep?", her voice was too low to be audible to human ears but he heard. His forehead corrugated with both worry and an inch of annoyance. Yet he chose to stay.

His eyes were void of sleep, as his gaze was resting on her wrists. He was in a dilemma of whether to lift those chiffon sleeves up. And mustering up all the courage he could knit, he did. His eyes teared up once the wounds became clearly visible. His fingers traced her wounds, some fresh and some faded. His lips were shaking, a hiss escaping them every time he touched one of the wounds.

How could I make you hurt yourself for me?

"I failed. I failed to be there to stop you from harming yourself." The tears had already betrayed his eyes by now, flowing down, shining like pearls in the moon light.

"I must have given you n-nightmares too, right?"

His heart started to feel scared of his own self. He started to picture himself as a monster. He stood up from the stool and ran out of the room with quiet and steady steps.

The hallway was silent. His heart was beating so fast that it could jump out of the ribs in no time. He collapsed on the bed once he reached his room. The room with dark and scary walls. The only one which was a company to his burnt and disheveled self.

"Why am I so bad?", he questioned his heart, with no answers to console himself.