Ambivalence || JJK ✓

Chapter 10

"Will you accept my love even in my afterlife?"

Her eyes had that evident fear in them. It was her nightmare. The tears started to fill those eyes gradually. She latched onto his right shoulder lifelessly, "Is this a p-prank? I don't like such jokes."

His eyes looked determined even though he was well aware of her fear. She was confused and hurt. This was one of her weakness after Jungkook. He smiled at her, holding her hands while her fingers trembled in horror and devastation, "Calm down. Let's go inside."

"No. He is here because of me. I killed him. I killed my own brother. Yunhyung died because of me!" She screamed, placing her hands on her ears. The tears moistened her cheeks and she fell on the ground, on her knees, "I k-killed-"

"Y/N? Stop freaking out, you didn't kill him. Stop panicking. It was an accident. It was his fate."

"N-No... please Hoseok I-I can't. This is my fear. I can't go in. H-He is dead. H-he hates me too", cupping her face he padded his thumbs, wiping of the tears and kissed her forehead. "I know. I know you miss him, I know you blame yourself for him but please Y/N.. you need to move on. He can never hate you.. he is your brother. Whatever you did was right. I am s-sorry but this is the only place which can answer all your questions."

He switched on the AC, passing her a fruit bear and wiped the visible tears. "Drink this and you'll feel good." 

Her eyes gawked at the dusty ground, outside the car, through the window while the hand held the can. Quaffing a good amount of liquid, she closed her eyes, the burning throat cooled down, "I am ready to go inside." 

The eyes were still closed while she made decisions to open door to something very big, something very vicious.

"Thank you", his face had a small smile. Her eyes fluttered open, waiting for him to continue. "Thank you for giving it a chance." Her heart was palpitating, her forehead was covered with sweat.

"What-"

"I was like this too. Scared, living in the past, blaming myself for everything I did. But then I realized how I was running away from the life someone wanted me to live. I was alone when I came here but you have me sweetheart." 

Hoseok was a mystery. His world was so hidden and secretive. She realized today. All this long it was only her who was letting out while he was suffering silently.

"You expect me to get answers from someone who is dead?", she pierced a quick glare through his eyes.

"N..No, never use the word dead ever again.. atleast in front of me", he whispered, with an unstable vision. 

She swam closer to him, taking his cold hand in hers and forced him to look at her, "Hoseok, are you hiding something from me?"

He gulped a big shot of his lump down the throat, a sudden gush of chilling breeze hit him as he gently shut his burning eyes, "Y/N someone else has better answers than me, right?"

..Flashback..

"Jungkook, are you hiding something from me?"

"I have never and even if I am just never lose trust in me. It's only you. It's only us till the last dawn."

..Flashback ends..

I am nothing without you. I don't know how to face it all.

"Y/N?", he intertwined his hand with her, holding a fresh dandelions in his other hand. He had slid the silver band successfully down his tender ring finger, secret from her eyes. The weather had gotten a little bad as a billow of clouds rested upon them. 

The trees were swaying in the gush of wind that swept with it tonnes of leaves.

"I-I am scared", she muttered under a shaky, weak breath.

Hoseok stopped, turned to face her and leaned closer tucking the hair strand behind her ear and his lips curved in a tender smile,"I am there. It's going to be okay soon."

~

Her hands were colder than ice, and with every step her hold on his hand was tightening. The discomfort in her heart was slowly getting on her face. It was suffocating for her to stand there.

For the past 10 minutes she had been walking on a path which seemed endlessly long. A whimper tore from her mouth catching the attention of her friend, "Tired?"

Yes, of life.

She shook her head, trying to maintain a braver gaze, "No! It's just the weather making me feel a little sick."

He laughed, "Sure as you say."

...

She got startled, bumping in his back, when he suddenly stopped in front of a grave. 

"Can you give me some space for a while Y/N?" His voice sounded tired and weak, making her worried. She gave him a quick hug and smiled, "Sure, take your time."

She wanted to ask him so many questions but the timing wasn't it. She was eager to help him out even if her own troubles had tangled her life in them pretty messily.

She stood under a tree, observing him with keen eyes. The tall figure fell on his knees and her heart dropped to the pit the same moment. 

Soon the place was filled with his muffled cries. They were too horrifying to hear. Never had she seen him cry so bitterly for anyone. All she knew was he was a strong man. But today she got to know that he was a strong man with the most vulnerable heart.

HOSEOK'S POV

"H-Hey", but the reply never came to the almost whisper-like voice, making the young man drown in sadness.

"I...I hope you are doing well now", he started again, trying to act strong but the voice cracked up again. Resting the hands on the ground he bent down to kiss the burial, "I have brought your favorite flowers honey, Dandelions. I... love you." He shuffled the flowers, closer to the head and moved his fingers across the name with a sad smile :

CHA YUMI

23rd JANUARY 1989 - 18th FEBRUARY 2018

Fishing out a ring from the pocket, he carefully placed it on the grave, after kissing the diamond engraved on it. "You remember what it is today? It is our-our anniversary l-love. It's the 10th year starting from today. I... I miss you. I am s-sorry that I never treated you the way you deserved to be treated. I realised this but after you were gone.

Today I can't kiss you, hug you, hold you, scold you, shower you with my love, introduce you to people as my pride but I have a special gift for you.

I didn't have the courage to say this to your face but I-I have gathered enough courage to say it at your grave." And his tears never stopped falling. His throat was sore, lashes were wet but the eyes never lost the love they had been holding for eternity.

"I know I should have said this 3 years back but I... I was a coward. I lost the chance but will you still accept me if we meet in our next life? Will you embrace me with my flaws in my afterlife? I miss your presence. Your absence is driving me insane. Without you I feel like a waste.

The springs are no more beautiful for me without you. Autumn is no more meaningful without you. The falling leaves are my falling hopes that you will never accept me. You made life worthy for living but now my existence seems meaningless. I am... sorry for the past."

In the end he lost his self. His head leaned on the grave, yearning for the warmth. He was crying like a pathetic but caring about the tears was the last thing that could come to his mind at this moment.

Seconds turned into minutes but for him the time was flying like sand from the fist. He wanted to stay with her forever. He wanted to scream and tell how he was not ready for anything without her. 

But he was helpless. 

After being able to calm himself, he stood up, dusting off the dirt from his pants, and approached her.

He could see her breath hitching.

He held her cold hands and passed her a lifeless smile.

"She is the girl you saw with Jungkook that day."