PERFECT LIE (COMPLETE)

CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN (Run away)

Trying to run away is never the answer to being a fully human. Running away from the immediacy of our experience is like preferring death to life – Pema Chodron

Meara

            "I need to get away from here. Hindi puwedeng malaman ng anak ko ang totoo."

            Nakaupo kami noon ni Ely sa harap ng mesa para mag-almusal. Maraming naka-prepare ng pagkain sa mesa niya na luto ng personal chef pero hindi ko magawang tikman man lang. Kagabi pa ako walang gana kumain magmula nang malaman ko ang katotohanan sa pagkatao ni Riel.

            Agad na namuo ang luha sa mga mata pero mabilis ko ring pinahid at nahihiyang tumingin ako kay Ely. Nakita ko siyang nakatingin sa akin at ngumiti nang mapakla bago dinampot ang mug ng kape niya at uminom doon.

            "Sorry," hingi ko ng paumanhin at dumampot ng paper towel para pahirin ang mukha ko. Napahinga ako ng malalim at tumingin lang sa mga pagkaing nakahain sa mesa.

            "You don't need to." Dumampot siya ng tinapay at inilagay sa plato ko. "Before you think of something, eat first. Kagabi ka pa walang kinakain." Piraso naman ng bacon at isang sunny side egg ang inilagay niya doon. "Coffee, milk, tea? Fresh juice?"

            Umiling ako. "Ako na lang." Ang pitsel ng tubig ang dinampot ko at nagsalin sa bagong nasa harap ko at uminom.

            Tumikhim si Ely at ngumiti ng bahagya sa akin. "You know, I don't want to say anything about whatis happening to you and Riel. I know, you made up your mind and you think the only solution for everything is to run away from him." Napahinga siya ng malalim. "But, don't think he deserve to explain himself? I mean, I..." itinuro pa niya ang sarili. "If I am in his shoe right now, I want you to hear what happened from my own point of view. Riel is a good man. I know it, I can feel it, and whatever happened back then has some reason."

            Nagtagis ang bagang ko. "The reason? He was the reason why I ended up like this. Why I met Perry and became his human punching bag for years. He was the reason..." napalunok ako dahil naramdaman kong parang may nakabukol doon. "... why I can't tell my son who his father is." Napahagulgol na ako. "River deserved to know who his real father but I can't tell him. My son doesn't deserve to live with lies, but I cannot tell him that he is a product of rape. That a monster did that terrible thing to me." Napabuga ako ng hangin at naihilamos ang kamay sa mukha ko. "The truth, I don't know what else to do. I endured Perry's beating for years. I lived with my son and I am okay with it. Just the two of us. And when Riel came, I saw hope. I felt that after living in misery, I can already have the happy ever after that every woman is wishing." Pinahid ko ang luha ko. "You think, this is happy ever after? That his adoptive father is my son's real father."

             Napalunok si Ely at napahinga ng malalim at napailing. Halatang may gustong sabihin pero tipong gusto ring sarilinin na lang iyon.

            "Are you going to say something?"

            Tumikhim si Ely tapos ay kinuha ang kamay ko at bahagyang pinisil iyon. Kitang-kita ko sa mukha niya na halatang napipilitan kung ano man ang gustong sabihin.

            "Meara," bahagya siyang bumuga ng hangin at muling tumikhim. "I-I don't know how to say this or if I am the right person to tell this to you."

            Kumunot ang noo ko. May sasabihin siya? May nalaman na naman ba  siya?

            "Whatever it is, hindi na ako magugulat. May mas nakakagulat pa sa nalaman ko na anak si River ng tatay-tatayan ni Riel." Tumawa ako ng mapakla kahit naiiyak ako.