The Own Goal ✔️

Part 87

Kevin is taking grandad duties very seriously.
He has Esme in the garden in her pram while he watches Mia excitedly show him how she can jump and land on her bum on the trampoline, how daddy showed her how to kick the ball 'properly on the side of my foot!' and how she can kick the ball against the wall like daddy so it bounces back to her.

I've been sat down in the little sunroom off the kitchen by Karen who sits opposite me, placing two teas on the little table between us. She stares out of the window smiling at her husband being run ragged by a three year old.
"Have you been putting milk away in the freezer like you did with Mia?"

Erm, not the opener to the 'mumma G pep talk' I was expecting.
"A little, not much"

"Has she taken a bottle yet?"

"No, Jack is going to start with her last feed before bed, but probably next week"
Although I'm on maternity leave, I've now got some high profile clients who I have special occasion bookings for, so it's important that Esme will also take a bottle from Jack at times.

"Maybe I can start her tonight, you can have a nice bath, Kevin will put Mia to bed"
She looks around the room, there's a montage of black and white photos of me and Jack on the wall.
All happy and smiling.
"I was thinking" she continues "you could go out with your friends, Jasmin or someone? You need to get out and be yourself Chelsea"

I don't want to go out. That's not what I need.
I don't know what I need.
"I don't really fancy it Karen, but thank you"
She looks at me intently.

"You could just go around hers for a bit, or out for something to eat?"
She watches as I take a gulp of tea.

"Karen, I don't need to go out"
I look down
"I need to stop being such a fucking bitch to Jack!"

"How can you worry about him when you're not looking after yourself?" She sounds stern.

I scoff looking up to the ceiling "of course I'm looking after myself"

"Not eating properly, not sleeping well, not taking your usual pride in yourself, those are your basic needs and you're not meeting those, so you're definitely not meeting your emotional needs!"

I look down and pick at a dried in paint splatter on my leggings.
"Karen" I start, my bottom lip quivering
"I'm pushing Jack away and I know I'm doing it but I just can't help myself!"

"We take out our frustration on the people closest to us - "

" - I'm being such a bitch to him though" the tears fall again. Surely tears must run out at some point.

"He understands it's not you though"

"I love him so much Karen!" I'm wailing.

"He knows"

"I don't know how he can love me anymore Karen, I'm awful!"

"Oh Chelsea" her voice is soft and caring. More caring than I deserve.

"Is this post natal depression Karen? Or am I just a total cow?"

She smiles softly "you're definitely not a cow, look pet, maybe it is a touch of post natal depression, lets be honest the pregnancy was quite quick after everything that happened, the euros, Mia  and Craig, the fake reports about Jack, the counselling, it was a lot sweetheart. I was surprised when youse said you were having a another baby"

It was quick. Esme hadn't been planned. I had my coil removed as it was starting to cause irregular bleeding, then I'd started taking the pill, stupidly not remembering it wouldn't work instantly.
It appears we just seem to be super fertile.
We had been overjoyed, we had said we wanted another baby, but maybe in a year or so.
But, it had happened and the joy on Jack's face as we'd sat on the bathroom floor together watching the pregnancy test change was a memory I'll cherish forever. It was a whole world away from the awful phonecall I'd made to tell him I was pregnant with Mia.