The Own Goal ✔️

Part 88

Friday I end up taking Esme to the Dr anyway.
She's now got chicken pox.
The Dr is happy it's just a mild case due to the antibodies she would have picked up through me.
The Dr is very helpful when I ask about her colic and the Dr suspects it's actually silent reflux. We chat and she gives me tips and lots of it makes sense.

"And how are you?" She finally asks.

I freeze.
Be brave, I tell myself. I promised myself I'd get help and I told Jack I would too.
"I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job actually" my voice threatens to crack.

The Dr turns away from her keyboard giving me her full attention "oh, Chelsea, can I ask why you think that?"

I compose myself.
"So, I'm really snappy......." Deep breath "I'm actually horrible to my partner, and I lose my temper with my three year old over nothing......." I swallow hard, holding back the tears "I even shouted at Esme when she wouldn't stop crying"
The Dr nods.
"I just, I keep thinking that my partner is going to leave me" the sobs come now.
"And I can't stop crying!"

She passes me a tissue.
"Why do you think your partner might leave?"

"Oh god, well, I don't think he actually wants to" I choke out a big sob "but I push him away, he's amazing and I'm so ungrateful, so rude and nasty to him"

"Did you feel like this after your older daughter was born?"

I shake my head.

"Have you had any other big changes going on?"

I shake my head again.

She scrolls up again quickly on her screen then turns back to me.

"Can I ask you about the birth of your first daughter?"

We talk for nearly an hour.
The Dr wonders if I'm only now releasing the trauma of Mia's birth, subconsciously.
But she reassures me that my feelings are all very normal.
I decline medication at this point but when she suggests therapy I vow to contact my own therapist and agree to go back to the Dr in a couple of weeks.

Just feeling listened to and reassured I'm normal makes me feel like it's something I can definitely overcome.

-

Saturday.

There's no way I can take Esme to wembley. She's obviously uncomfortable.
In the end Karen and Kevin decide they'll take Mia on the train.

Jack will be flying back from London after the game.
I'll watch on TV and be home waiting for him.

The game is painful to watch. At halftime they are 3-0 down.
During half time I quickly chuck some washing on and make a cup of tea, taking advantage of the rarity of Esme sleeping during early evening.
I miss the goal, I hear it's happened on the TV but missed who it was.
I literally fly back into the lounge when I hear Jacks name.
"YESS! get in baby!" I do a little jump, two minutes in and he scored.
I picture Mia cheering him on, probably sitting on her grandads shoulders for a better view.

Bernardo scores on the 90th minute, but it isn't enough. They've lost, they're out.

I hug my knees to my chest, I see him.
The cameras keep fucking showing him crouched on the pitch. Broken.
He did so well.
I feel angry for him, he did so much, why didn't the others?
I can't watch his face. My only consolation that his parents and Mia are there.

It's 8.30 when I hear him at the door.
I'm on the phone to Karen, I end the call and run to the hallway. 
I'm just in time to see him drop his bag and bring both hands to his head.
"Hey" I say softly.