Outsmarted [Hwang Hyunjin]

Chapter 51

It felt like my mind had been constantly bouncing back between just go for it and resist the temptation. It was possibly the most annoying ping pong match ever.

Decision making had never been something that was easy for me. Ever since I was young, settling on a decision had been difficult. Weighing out the pros and cons of each choice had become second nature to me a long long time ago, so much so that I barely even realize I make an imaginary list in my head for most decisions. However, for decisions like these, writing out a physical pros and cons list seemed necessary.

I found myself repeatedly writing out a list then crumpling it up when I would get frustrated. Currently the trash bin under the desk in my room was near full solely from crumpled up papers.

Why can't this decision be easier?

I sighed and rested my head on my desk. I fidgeted with my pencil twirling it between my fingers, finding satisfaction in the simple release of anxious energy.

It's been two days since the party and I've yet to have seen or contacted Hyunjin. Fortunately, he hasn't attempted to contact me either... probably since the last time I saw him I ran away from him... twice.

I've really dug myself quite a hole, huh? I somehow managed to befriend my ex enemy, then ended up having feelings for him, all the while he doesn't even know my real identity. It scares me to imagine anyone finding out. I'm not exactly sure what my plan is. Surely, keeping this secret until the end of high school isn't impossible, but it seems unlikely that people won't eventually find out in this dramatic, nosey school of mine.

I can already imagine all the stares I would get from my grade eight classmates, and the hatred Hyunjin would end up growing for me.

A couple should tell each other everything shouldn't they? So if I really gave me and Hyunjin a shot, our relationship would be bound to fail from the get-go.

"Ughhhh," I whined.

But I like him so much.

I haven't stopped thinking about him once these last few days. I've even started to see him in my dreams! It's almost as if my brain created a whole new section of it just for Hyunjin. It's always Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin up in this noggin. It's embarrassing to say, since now I am no better than all the other lame Hyunjin fangirls at our school I used to resent so much. I can't believe I've stooped to their level.

I started doodling on another piece of paper, deciding to draw an anime character.

I think I have too much at stake to go after Hyunjin. Every pros and cons list I've made I've thrown out because the cons list ended up being longer than the pros. I've been in denial really, trying to find loopholes where a future where we're together wouldn't end in flames, but it seemed to be impossible. I've even considered telling him my real identity. Insane! I know. Unfortunately, I think his brain might explode. Even if he somehow didn't care about who I used to be I think he'd feel very betrayed about the fact that I lied to him.

I frowned. Finally coming to a reasonable decision after thinking very hard about it for the last two days.

I won't date Hyunjin. I won't try to pursue him, and I won't acknowledge our kiss.

I sighed and looked down at my doodle.

Goddamnit.

I crumpled up the paper with the stupid anime character who ended up looking just like Hyunjin. I tossed it in the trash and decided to go to bed.

Leave my head, Hyunjin.

- - -

First day back at school. I'm not excited. Christmas break ended way too quickly.