Brothers conflict scenarios

Update And Explanation

So, I think I'm ready to finally open up about what's been going on in my life since I started writing this book.

I started writing in 2018. I had just turned 16. I went to school like normal, mostly. I skipped a lot. I mean I skipped school so much that it became a problem and I almost had to stay behind a class. Because of this problem I went to a special school for people who struggle in school for different reasons. At this point I was about 4 or 5 years into my depression. I was depressed for 6, almost 7 years. I'm not depressed anymore, but it left many problems and mental scars that I'm now trying to heal and work out somehow.

⬆️ I'm sure you all remember this little stunt I pulled a few years ago. At this time I was really going to just end everything. I was suicidal and I had had enough of everything. This was a real suicide note. I texted like everyone I know and just said "Goodbye" or "I'm glad you were a part of my life." However, so many people called me or contacted me asking me what's going on and what I mean, so I managed to calm down to the point where I gave up on my plan. Hence the explanation chapter. ⬇️

My depression slowly started to fade away when I was 17 and it was all gone by the time I turned 18, but the damage was already done. I lost friends, family, and my reputation was completely destroyed and still is. I still struggle with self-esteem, self-love and self-image issues. I don't have an eating disorder anymore, but I still struggle with certain foods like junk food and desserts. I don't like food, I eat if I have to, but my relationship with food is something that needs working on. I don't cover up my mirrors anymore, I can look at myself but I don't like what I see. I can also show more skin now, like my legs and arms. I don't feel like I have to cover them up. I still have insomnia and other sleep related issues. That's mostly because I lack serotonin in my body. At least I don't sleep all day like I did when I was depressed.

I've said this before but I'll say it again. I have Asperger's. It's part of the Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). It's also been called High functioning autism. I got diagnosed when I was 14. Needless to say, I absolutely hate my diagnosis. I think it's a curse.

There's nothing more infuriating than people saying "Hey, this person is on the autism spectrum, yet they're successful and wealthy." Yeah, now I feel like shit because that's the expectation you have of me. People expect me to be creative and witty and quick, but I'm not. I'm really slow actually, I need to take my time. I don't work well under pressure or handle stress well. I get stuck and frustrated til the point that I explode and have a meltdown. A meltdown looks very much like a tantrum, but you have absolutely no control over it and it just happens. There are multiple reasons and triggers that causes meltdowns. However I don't feel comfortable talking about it because it hits a bit too close to home.

That was a side track. Anyway, I'm doing better and I'll continue to update and write. One thing I should probably mention that could be good to know is that I'm extremely competitive. Much like Ukyou, Tsubaki and Natsume, I feel inferior to other people. I feel like I don't matter, that I'm not good enough, that I shouldn't exist because I'm just in the way. This is because my older brother is the favourite child. No matter what he says or does it's always right. He's allowed to say and do anything and whatever he wants. Meanwhile I have to be the quiet and sweet and perfect little sister that never says anything bad and never argues back and has good grades because she's smart. Imagine the disappointment when I got depressed and stopped going to school and my grades dropped. Oh, I heard about it every single day. "Why are you so lazy? School is so easy, you don't even have to do anything nowadays because the teachers are so nice. Why aren't you eating? You need to eat, no wonder you're so tired all the time. No, you can't eat that, you will get fat and unattractive. You need to sleep, of course you're tired because you don't sleep. You only sleep during the day, it's so bad for you. You have really dark bags under your eyes, you look like a corpse. Is that really what you're wearing? You have such nice and long legs, it's such a shame you don't train them. If you trained then you could be really beautiful. You need to take care of your skin, it's so dry and oily and disgusting." Needless to say, I felt like the ugliest, most unattractive woman there ever was. I still have body issues and feel really ugly and want to cover up. Also my siblings love making fun of how slow I am, or tell jokes they know I can't understand. This is one of the reasons I started hating my diagnosis. Believe it or not I didn't hate my diagnosis in the beginning. Other people, including my family, made me hate it. People were bullying me and provoking me on purpose because they thought it was funny seeing me have a meltdown and threatening to kill myself. Meanwhile I felt humiliated and ashamed of my outbursts because I couldn't control them.

TRIGGER WARNING!

I tried to commit suicide twice. First time I got scared and decided not to go through with it. I was gonna stab a kitchen knife into my chest. Second time I got stopped and talked out of it. I was gonna drown myself in a pond.

TRIGGER OVER

So, I was 16 when I got sent to a shelter to get me away from my family and try to get a normal routine. To be completely honest, I still have absolutely no idea why I got sent there. Mom and dad just sat me down randomly and said "You're gonna live in this shelter now." However for me it felt like a prison, a mental hospital. I didn't like anyone who worked there. I wasn't allowed to move around freely. I had to tell someone or have someone with me wherever I went. So I just stayed in my room all day and night. There was one boy who I found very attractive, but he didn't speak the same language as me and he was pretty wild so I just admired him from a distance whenever I saw him. I only spoke a few words to him. Anyway, I absolutely hated that place and I only stayed for a week before I finally got to go home for the weekend and I said that I'm never coming back. I didn't go back and I'm glad that I didn't. I would've broken the window and jumped if I would've stayed there any longer. This was the part of my life where I was at my absolute lowest. Then I got out of grade school and I started doing theatre and I started getting real friends who actually care about me and listen to me when I need it. It was a completely new world for me. I started opening up to people and becoming more confident in myself. Even though I still struggle with self-esteem and all of that, I do feel much better. I just feel inferior, I don't feel ashamed of my existence anymore.

So, yeah. That's what's been going on in my life and the reason why I moved in with the Asahina's. They love and accept me just as I am. Sure, they might tease me but it's all love. I love them back of course, they're adorable and funny. They're the family I wish I had. Just unconditional love and support. Without being dramatic, Brothers conflict saved my life. I watched the anime one summer because Joey the anime man said it's the anime he regretted watching the most. I checked it out just to know how bad it actually was and.... I fell in love and I fell hard.

This was just a small update on my health and an explanation to a few things. I love you all so much with all my heart, I'm truly grateful for all of you. Stay safe and healthy. My books will always be a safe haven for all of you. If you want to talk we can talk, if you just need to vent your feelings then that's completely fine, if you're just here to fangirl or escape reality for awhile then I'm here for you either way. I love you! You're special! You're loved! You're valid! Your opinions and thoughts matter! Your feelings are valid and real! You're real! You deserve love and happiness and success and safety! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍

~ Joske