Wingspan(Paranormal, Young Adult) MAJOR EDITING**

Thirty eight

I was acting fine like nothing could bother me, but the truth was, I didn't know what to feel, let alone how I should act. 

On the days i thought of myself as machinelike those were the times i felt programmed to subtandardized thoughts which regimented me to think on clockwork things that conditioned me to stereotypical  routine. It was during those rough days the pain  felt like it  would  never end;  it hurt to breathe, i couldn't fake a sweet  smile even if I had wanted to, not to mention getting  up in the  morning was always a fight. 

And   then after a spiral   of events that's when I knew  that no one was equipped to helpme. The  medicine fell short of a  cure. The emptyness that was always there never ceased to remind me that I was as alone as I felt. That nothing; not the   drugs I was forced to take for three months  when I was   institutionalized, not the shamanic prayers that my  grandma  invoked   while I stayed with her on the off days when I just couldn't handle my  mother and   needed a break, none of it helped.

During   my childhood and eventhroughout high school I couldn't help but feel like  a  marionette   doll with no sense of ryhthm; everyone who'd ever  tried  to control   my lifemy mother and stepfather who took me to mass  to  'save me',  like  the countless doctors i've seen who couldn't medically fix me  no matter  how  many specialists tried could atest that I wasn't  bad just  flawed. 

Coming   to the rational   conclusion that it wasnt my fault if nobody said the   library would be   closed today I start walking back to my dormitory  in  hopes to burry my   head and find solace from the wind. Besides,   if I got in   trouble by the headmistress for leaving early I could  just  as easily   make her understand my side of the story.

I bundle my hands in the jacket pocket and pray that I made it fast enough before my feet and hands turned completely numb. On my way out of the quad I see a girl about my height wearing a grey bubble jacket passing by me. 

I stop and tun my head. "Uh excuse me? Do you know is anybody in?" I ask pointing to the building behind me.

Gloves   on, she rubs her   hands to keep her blood circulated. Without looking  at  me or even stopping the girl shakes  her head. "It's  closed." she says. 

I don't stop her when she walks on by me across the grey bricked wall in a hurry.

Since   for whatever   reason the library was closed I decided to make   good use of the empty campus and head directly back to   my dorm building   without having to deal with a bustling crowd that would have   interfered with me being on time any place. I   usually had to sprint   around talking bodies just to get through campus   on a regular day.

Following   the  serpentine  cobblestone path I keep my purple hoodie down and  walk  fast  hoping that  if I was quiet enough I could arrange a quick  visit  with  Chanel and  maybe go sightseeing if we had the time. With both  of us  busy  we hadn't done  much undertaking and now was as good a time  as any  to  start.

I  knew my  best friend   well enough to know when she was caught up in  some wookie  stuff and I couldn't shake the feeling that it might have  had something  to do with   Starkhouse. For all of its grandious perfections Starkhouse was strange and cold and imposing.

The only time I ever felt cozy and content was in the library.

Maybe I was crazy and   there was nothing to the coincidences that just so   happened to pop up  or  the familiarity of closeness and affection that I felt toward certain classmates that I had befriended  effortlessly. 

Maybe it was all in my head and I'd imagined it because I was lonely and they didn't feel even remotely the same towards me.

Feeling   a change in the   air I look up and didn't know if I should go any   further when I saw a   ring of students having what seemed to be a  heated  conversation filled   with hushed voices followed by pushing.

Instead of standing there I supressed the urge to groan and forced my feet to budge forward.

Interfering was not apart of the plan,   neither was   stopping halfway out of poor judgement skills  and  watching  them  from a distance.

Maybe I was maxed high   on anxiety and had overfilled my capacity to be   emotionally distraught   for the day but I could have sworn I saw spiky   hair pop out from  behind someone.

I   supposed I was just   one of those few people who, after an extremely   intense period, lost  all  intelligence and strode into situations head-on without thinking  things  over like any person with good sense  would  do.

Like  coming from  out of  a  spell I walk closer to the group only I wasn't me  anymore, nor  was I in  my body, there was a girl there I didn't  recognize who was  runining  to go  and help.

I   watched from afar as   the long-haired girl panted and grunted as she   ran across the quad to   some place she had no business being, let  alone  without a proper  jacket  to protect her from the bitter cold.

This   was stupid and   non-sensical, and I wanted to tell that to the  strange  girl. I was  being  a jackass by butting in some place that  didn't need me  or my  mediator  skills.

Even   though I wasn't the   girl walking even closer to the scene I could  feel  her legs in  motion  propelling up and down, the young girls face   distorted with  devastation  and worry, her grey eyes filled with water   from the sting  of the  freezing wind.

Moving my attention outward I could clearly hear the shouting and bodies being thrown.

Synergistacally I could   feel the girls heart beat pick up in agonyzing response at  the  sight  and  sound of trouble and that she was needed even if they  would  call  her a  jackass later for bulldozing in and interupting  their fight. 

Even  if it meant  the   blonde haired angel on the ground would hate her for  it later and  call   her stupid for being such a worried widow and that  he would storm  away   saying he knew what he was doing.

Though   the dark-haired   girl was perpetually aware of all the ways it would   play itself out  she  couldn't conceive a good enough reason not to help.

As  her  emotions got  the best  of her, her mind reduplicated similarly   hysterical and  frantic ohmygod  ohmygod ohmygod echo of objections. The   dark-haired  girl picked up  speed, her arms now my arms swinging back   and forth as I went faster.

-and   that's when I noticed they were huddled together, the three of them, unaware I was   standing close by. I didn't want to interrupt just yet so i stood there waiting, watching for the right time to but in.