❝And she did the drugs for fun
But now she does them just to stay up❞
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I'm a half smoked cigarettes girl, a tiny tops and eye glitter girl, a quick and cheap girl. The female version of a playboy. Sexy, sweet, sour, anyth...
❝I dont know what we are, but I miss what we were.❞
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Dear Summer,
I'm sorry. I miss you. I'll never send this letter. You'll never read it. I don't want you to. Because, if I can't call you, or talk to you ever again. Because of my own ego, and choices. Then I'll at least feel as though you heard me. Today was a hard day. I'm sure my parents have told you. I ran away from home. I left the night we came home from Cali, you should've seen their faces. They hugged me, and kissed me. Because they thought I was finally better. When I got home, I lifted up my matress and saw those little blue pills. You could guess what I did. I read a book once, where the girl called meth "the monster" and I understand now what she meant. Because when you crash, you crash hard. You feel like your falling off of the face of the fucking earth. As if instead of your life falling apart, it's you who's falling apart. Which I am. I have nobody. I know in some part of my heart that you are still here for me. That if I needed you you would answer the phone. But I cant, I can't bring myself to hear your voice even though all i want right now is a hug from you. But I can't have it. So I'll write these letters, and put them in a single envelope and I will never let them go. Because I won't have any photos from my teenage years, at least I'll have these letters.
I've been living with Jack, the kid I mentioned to you. The one who I told you I was only friends with. Can you still be friends with the people you've had sex with? I don't think so. I didn't go back to Jack's last night. Even though I despratley needed a shower, and a plan b. Because, as if I couldn't fuck up more than I already have. I let Wyatt touch me, I let him fuck me. Even though I remember how much I hate how I feel without his touch. He's addictive. The type of addictive I want all the time. It's not Wyatt I'm mad about. It's Leo. He walked in, he saw his best friend with his ex something. I can't stop thinking about the way he looked at me. I would lie to you, and say that that is why I can't sleep. But that's not true. It's because I haven't been sober in two months, I've been high, drunk, strung out, the one thing I haven't done is heroin. Jack bought me fent. I loved it.
Summer? Will you please remember me when I'm gone. Because I don't think I'll make it to being married, or having the daughter I always wanted. I think I'm going to die a drug addicted teenager, if I keep up the fentanyl I know I'll be gone. I hope I can at least die with Jack, or in his arms. In one of those romantic ways where you od and they hold you in their arms. One can only hope that will happen someday. Someday soon, I need something to save me. I can't save myself.
