Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r S e v e n t y

                                                                           PART SEVENTY

                                                       ❝I only miss him when I'm breathing.❞

I slept, face down on the bathroom floor. Naked, tired, utterly used up. I did not get up when my daughter cried. I didn't get up at all. I pulled myself up to the counter, to grovel for my phone and an extremley random white pill, which I let dissolve in my mouth. On Instagram, Katiana posted photos of herself on Alex Jackson's lap, his hands gripping on her ass. I liked it, and laughed. Isobel, posted herself posed on a staircase with a bottle of Svedka absolute vodka, because if she was getting shitfaced she was doing it to look good. I sighed, sinking back into the floor. I heard the door slam, which meant Jack had just left. I sprang from the floor, grabbing for the door handle. 

In the small room, Evie was on the floor on her back babbling. I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding. She looked over to me, I checked my phone. My little girl was now only two months away from being a year old. Which meant, a year of me managing to keep her alive and breathing somehow. I picked her up, realizing she had only a diaper and socks on. I fumbled around in the dresser for any onesies that would fit her. It was then I realized my ten month old had no clean, or fitting clothes. I sighed. It was my day off from work, and I was half tempted to do nothing. But as always, my daughter had to take priority. 

"Okay sweetheart, momma's strapped for cash but we can get some things from goodwill maybe?" I asked, fumbling for a t shirt which I draped over Evie like a dress. Our baby carrier, was still laying across the back of the couch. I strapped her to my chest and grabbed Jack's sweatshirt from the back of a chair.  My sweatpants, were rumpled and stuck to my body like glue. The black tank top I'd managed to find hung off my thin frame. Looking in the mirror now I realized how much weight I had seemed to loose. I realized I hadn't eaten in the sum of four days, all that was in the cabinets was food pouches for Evie and formula. I settled on a food pouch, squeezing it into my mouth it tasted like chalk. I handed it to Evie, who snatched it from my hands.

"Momma's hungry." I muttered as we walked down the hall. I swung the door open to Red's, where Leonard stood behind the bar. I sat down on one of the stools, with Evie still atatched to me, her little eyes roaming around the room. The usual clammer of the bar filled my ears. Leonard walked over to me, gesturing to Evie and setting a glass of beer down in front of me. I took a sip looking down at my daughter.

"This is the little one huh?" He asked leaning down to look her in the eyes.

"Yeah, Evie." I muttered and she craned her head up to look at me. I sank back onto the stool. Leonard took one of her hands in his.

"She's too gorgeous, look at those blue eyes." He said smiling at her. She smiled at him babbling. I wish she talked, more than ever I wish she talked. So I could have someone to talk too.

"Do we have any beer nuts left?" I asked, and Leonard and he handed me a bag from behind the counter. I inhaled them in about two minutes. Evie threw her food pouch onto the counter, spilling it on the bar. I sighed and Leonard grinned. 

At Goodwill, I piled the cart full of new outfits and onesies, little bows and two boxes of diapers that I had no idea why were at goodwill. The total, a small thirty bucks I paid and left. This was my definiton, of doing my best. I sighed, in the bathroom of a pop-eyes chicken I changed Evie and put on a small purple romper, which looked to adorable on her. I smiled, her blue eyes shining back at me. Her daddy's eyes.

I did not, go home. Instead I walked aimlessly around downtown. It was boiling hot, and I could feel the sweat dripping off of my body. Sitting on a bench at the park, i watched young toddlers crawl around on the grass, I watched their mothers with their designer clothes and with their husbands, white picket fence families. I pulled the flask from my pocket taking a healthy swig. I set a cigarette in between my lips and lit it. A few of the mothers gave me a look, and I watched them usher their children away.  Evie, sleeping in my arms stirred a little bit. I took a long drag from my cigarette. 

As miserable as things were, with the sun shining down on my face, my beautiful daughter coiled into my chest, the cool breeze on the  fall day felt almost perfect, like for a moment everything was okay. I pulled my phone from my pocket, ashing the cigarette on the bench next to me, I looked up at the camera, moving Evie up to my chest so her sleeping face could be clearly seen. I snapped the photo, smiling.