Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r F i f t y - T w o

                                                                   PART FIFTY TWO

                                                        ❝I fought for a fairytale.❞

I gazed around the small apartment, everything I could fit in the car was packed. All of Evie's things, most of mine and Jack's things, save the big items like dresser's and beds. I did take the drinks and everything from the fridge. I stood there, wondering if the police would come here ever and tear apart the little home we'd had for such a short time. I'd flushed everything down the toilet save my daughter's meds. I looked down at Evie, six months old now. Everything had flown by so fast. She was trying to talk more, she had her teeth and was acting like she wanted to start crawling. I gazed at her bright blue eyes. 

"Well kiddo, lucky you won't remember any of this." I said, and shut the door to our apartment forever. Starting the engine I tried to get lost in its rumble, but my thoughts stormed louder. I pulled onto the highway, trying to prepare myself for the eleven hour drive ahead of me. I was not wanting to do. I fumbled with the music on my phone. It was then, I saw a flashback of memories come up on my phone. Two years ago, today i was sitting with my sister at a park eating a popsicle. I groaned. Life was shitty then, but my record was small, I wasn't married to a dealer, and I did not have my daughter. Back when life was only about me. Now it was not remotely about me. 

I had daydreams as I drove. Dreams of taking a different turn, onto a different highway. Where I would continue driving, as far away as I could from everything. Where I would raise my daughter by myself, she would not remember her father and I could lie to her. Tell her that he left us, when really I left him. I would enroll her in school, under a fake name. Wait tables at another shitty diner. Have men come and be with me when I was especially lonely. I would make her go to school dances, and have the dream of being a party girl like I was. She and I would be all we had. These dreams however, were just that. As I knew I would not be able to make them come true, I had no money. Maybe, I would stash bills in my wallet and keep them until I had enough to start a new life for us. Maybe even I could forget about my life before that.

The abuse I endured, I knew now why women did not leave the men who hurt them. Because they are not the man you fell in love with. The man you fell in love with was kind, and caring and told you he loved you. The man who needed you in his life or he would fail. Was it selfish of me to want to leave someone who so badly needed someone. I was not a good wife, not a good mother and certainly not a good person.

My thoughts flickered back to when I'd watched Evie laying in that hospital bed, her body so tiny wrapped up in tubes and only the pale white of a diaper to show who she was. I pulled the car into a Wendy's. The one thing, the one single thing I had not done wrong was my child. She loved me, but she did not know me. She knew I was momma, I came when she cried, I stayed up with her when she was sick and I was there. I had also carried her in my body for nine entire months. That's where she was the safest. When she was still protected by me. Sitting in line at the drive threw I snapped out of my thoughts to look at her.  She was reaching for the toys on top of her car seat. I wanted to reach back and touch her, but as still a baby her seat was faced away from me. 

"Whenever you're ready." The speaker woman said to me as I pulled the car up to the window. 

"Vanilla Frosty, a cheeseburger medium, and a large side of fries." I replied smiling. Minutes later, I watched the vanilla sugar melt on my tongue. I wanted to give Evie a bit. So i took the straw and reached it for her mouth. She cooed happily. My girl loved vanilla that was for sure. 

As I returned to the highway I played old Taylor Swift songs and counted the clouds. I sang to my daughter and nursed her every three hours. She was my only reason I realized. If not for her than for who? I couldn't get clean for myself, or for Jack or even for my family, But I could for her. Because she was more to me than family. She was my own child. my own creation.