Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r T h i r t y- F o u r

                                                             PART THIRTY FOUR

                   ❝I kept secrets, not because I wanted too, because I had too.❞

Jack left the following morning. He hadn't come to bed last night, and he must've slipped away while I slept next to our daughter. I messed up, I'd held her protectively in my arms all night long laying on my side with arms wrapped around her. Protecting her, from him. He hadn't texted, nor called and for the time being I was okay with that. I deep cleaned the entire place. I also threw the flowers he got me, wilted now a perfect description of my life, out the window. I sat and played with Evie as much as I could, I made funny faces for her and encouraged her to say the word Mama. 

I'd read almost every parenting book on the planet it felt like, and all of them said babies don't say there first word until almost a year old. I suppose I had some waiting to do. I did not set her down to nap, she slept on my chest while I did my online school. I'd made the switch shortly before she was born, as I knew I would not be able to take her to school with me and I did not want Jack alone with her. 

I found myself rifling through the medicine cabinet looking for Jack's meds, it was then when I opened the lid to the toilet that I saw, the empty pill bottles laying there. I sighed, he was an adult and I was not. I was simply a child, trying to raise one and relying solely on him for help. I wasn't sure where he was, nor matter where or what he was doing it was none of my buisness really and I had to pretend I didn't care. I didn't, but I wondered if last night was the last time I would see him.

When I was stressed, I cleaned. When Jack was stressed he raped me. It was crazy how the two things felt so different from each other. We were supposed to be closer together now, but I'd never felt farther away from him. It was late now, I spent all day cleaning and trying to make my entire life about my daughter, but it felt like a piece of me was missing the the piece of me that missed my daughter's father more than words. I wasn't sure why, what was there to miss? The abuse, the forcing himself on me? 

I understood suddenly, I missed the man I'd fallen for, the one who bought me flowers, held my hand in the hospital, brushed my hair, shot me up, kissed me, told me he loved me. I did not miss the druggie alcoholic abuser who took over my boyfriends body. I slipped into a fitful doze, I was exhausted.

I woke up two seconds later, to my daughter screaming, I'd dropped her. I grabbed her from the floor, an enormous bruise had formed on her head.

"Oh shit sweetheart I'm so sorry." I said kissing her bruised head. This made her scream all the louder. For the next ten minutes I attempted to calm her down, rocking her, trying to make her nurse. I picked up my phone and set her down. I called Jack.

"Hello?" He picked up, his voice was weirdly high. Probably because he was too. There was music in the background and loud voices. No doubt he was at a party

"I need you to come home." I said, I could practically hear him roll his eyes.

"What happened, is the house on fireee?" He drew out the e for twenty whole minutes it felt like.

"I- she fell out of my arms." I replied. A white lie, one of many I'd told him. 

"She breathin?" He asked, he was so nonchalant. Nothing like the man who said he'd die defending her daughter.

"Yes but she's screaming and crying and I could use some help from her father." I said emphasizing the father part. I wanted to say I could use some help from my fucking boyfriend. 

"Wanna see if you can beat me in strip poker?" I heard a voice say, practically into the phone.

"Gotta go." Then the line clicked. This is what he thinks is a good idea. Fucking another girl, multiple probably, getting numb to forget what he did to ME. Not what I did to him, I didn't do shit. I set Evie down in her crib and shut the door behind me. I walked into the bathroom, emptying three Xanax and a fenty into my hand, I swallowed them with the water from the sink. I snatched the bottle of vodka from the counter and layed down on the couch. I switched the TV on turning on the news, volume 100 to drown out the sound of my screaming child. Who I'd hurt. I took a swig of vodka, and then three more. Till I was 2/4 of the way through the bottle. I rolled onto my side, letting myself fall into sleep.