❝And she did the drugs for fun
But now she does them just to stay up❞
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I'm a half smoked cigarettes girl, a tiny tops and eye glitter girl, a quick and cheap girl. The female version of a playboy. Sexy, sweet, sour, anyth...
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My phone rang. Twice, then three times. Then six times. Walking into a seven eleven, with my hair tangled around my face, the clothes practically falling off my body. I looked like the same woman who end up on newspapers, with her face fucked up and her daughter taken by cps. I held Evie close to my chest. I chugged a sprite fresh from the fridge. I sank my teeth into a fresh snickers bar. I snatched diapers from a low shelf, for parents in a pinch of which I was.
I practically through the cash at the cashier. Smiling as I strolled, as casually as one can while being strung out and half drunk carrying a baby. walking out the door I bounced my child against my hip. She pulled on my tangled hair and I winced. I had nowhere to go, I couldn't protect her from what we are going to be living. As I drove past the fire station I glanced at her. I knew, in the span of five minutes I could leave her there, no questions asked. They would place her in foster care, or adopt her and she would be better off. She hadn't even said Momma. She would forget me. There would be no info on me, or Jack. She would be better off without her drug addled mother. I slowed the car to a snaking halt. I watched Evie sleep in the backseat.
She was my child, my creation she was a part of me. I was a part of her. But she was so young, I could give her up. She would not know who I was, god forbid she ever saw me on the news or passing by her in ten years she would not know I'd once cradled her in my arms, that I'd loved her more than anyone. More than my family, because at the end of the day I wanted to be a mom.
I sighed cradling my daughter in my arms. I looked down at her. She wrapped her tiny fingers around mine. I could've sworn I felt her squeeze a tiny bit. I sighed. I wanted to walk away, I couldn't leave her.
"godamn it." I muttered. I had pulled in front of the fire station. Intending to place my daughter in front, till somebody found her. Till they took her away and I would throw away all of her things.
Try and erase the fact that I once had a child whom I'd loved. What would Jack say? Would he get a vote? Would he get to make the descision. This was all caused by him in a way.
Some part of me knew though, deep down. I would not watch my daughter grow up. I had the sinking feeling it would be better for her to be left here, as an infant. Instead of knowing Jack and I as her parents, and then we dissapear. I buckled her back into her car seat.
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When I pulled back into the driveway of my newfound "home" I sighed. I wasn't sure if I would walk into another party of some sorts, or somebody dead on a couch. Either of them could be true. I scooped up Evie, as she babbled randomly. Swinging open the door there was no music, only light conversation. I smiled. I placed Evie down on the couch next to someone I wasn't quite sure was still cohearant.
"Yoo Kait last night was fucking lit!" The guy who'd been holding Evie last night said. I didn't even know his name. Nor did I care. I decided in my head his name would be Landon.
"Fuck yeah man." I said settling down next to him.
"Look I got sum more for you." Landon said handing me a small white baggie. The dust inside it was dark and sparkly. H, I knew I wanted it as I didn't think while opening the bag. Landon handed me a mirror as I lined up the powder that had ruined my life. I smirked as I pressed my nose against it. 1,2,3 lines later I tipped my head back.
"I missed this." I muttered. Landon nodded taking the mirror back from me and handing me a glass.
"Fuck's this?" I asked, trying to formulate a sentance before feeling the effects hit me harder than a train.
"Vodka, wash it down." He said smiling. I downed the glass and I watched Landon smile.
"Fuck you smilin for?" I asked spreading my legs across the couch taking up more space than nessacary.
"Gon get you on my dick." He said as I realized I was fading. There had been something in that drink, and I was a fucking idiot and a dumbass. I knew what was gonna happen.
"No-not here." I whispered as I felt him moving my body. I felt weak, weaker than I'd ever felt high. What the fuck was happening, exept I knew. I'd heard, maybe during some school speech of GHB. The date rape drug, or just the rape drug. I understood now as I felt him pulling down my jeans that practically fell off anyway. He snaked his cold hands up and onto my bare tits, squeezing hard. I squirmed in his cold arms.
"Please, not in front of her." I whispered, looking at my daughter watching us. Landon looked over at her then kissed me. Hard, not in a loving way. I felt him inside me then, it wasn't painful but in my head it hurt. I didn't want this. My child's eyes watching a man she didn't know rape her mother. I prayed she would not remember this. I guess I was squirming more than Landon liked, as his big arms pinned my tiny body against the couch hard. My wrists above my head, my body at the mercy of his. I closed my eyes, just as I watched Evie roll over and flip the other direction. I imagined this was Jack, that we were having normal sex and I relxed a bit.
