Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r F o r t y - N i n e

                                                               PART FORTY NINE

            ❝You were bigger than the whole sky, you were more than just a short time.❞

I have a lot of regrets in life. I do not regret walking into planned parenthood at 8am in the morning however. Nor do I regret blasting music so hard in my ears I could not hear the doctor say

"You might feel a cramp."

I do not regret any of that. I do not regret not coming home to my daughter because it was too painful knowing I could've given her a sibling. But alas, I was to young and in the back of my mind I knew this baby would not have been blue eyed and fair skinned, I had the feeling this child would not have been Evie's full sibling and I could not live with that. I also was not sure how Jack would've reacted to a green eyed child with tanned skin and the same soft smile I'd fallen in love with, the smile that wasn't his.

When I went home, after the painkiller wore off, the first thing I saw was Jack cradling my daughter in his arms. He was singing something to her quietly. I smiled at him. He looked up after a minute of me standing there and watching.

"Hey baby, how'd it go?" He asked, giving me a side hug so as not to disturb Evie. I shrugged.

"I would assume I am not pregnant anymore."

He sighed, looking down at the sleeping baby in his arms. I sank into the couch, feeling exhausted.

"We have all the time in the whole world to give our daughter a sibling." He said, as if he was looking into my brain. I knew that, but some part of me would have wanted to have Leo's child, if it did not jeopardize my safety or my child's. I did not want to know what Jack would've done if he'd known it was not even his child I was carrying. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, and for some reason even I was not aware that I moved back from him. He raised an eyebrow. II knew what this feeling was. It was called being scared, because I was. I was terrified of the very man who was supposed to protect me. I curled my feet up next to me. It reminded me of years ago. It felt like sitting on the porch swing with Jack, smoking a bowl and for the first time in my life actually feeling happy. Now, I felt anything but.

Then I realized there was nothing I could do. Nothing I could say, or do. I could not leave him, I knew that because I had nowhere to go, Leo did not want to be my fall guy anymore. I did not want him to be, and it had never been clearer than that. I stared at Jack, and wondered who the man sitting next to me was. Was he the man who held me in his arms late at night, or was he the man who made me want to die. Some part of me, a part I hated to acknowledge, wished one day he would kill me. Maybe he would feel bad seeing his wife's lifeless body on the floor, maybe he'd split my head open one day. But then I saw my child, my beautiful daughter, the one who looked all too much like her father, she needed me. I knew if I died, Jack would lose a wife, but she would lose a mother. She would not remember how much I'd loved her, how much all I ever wanted to do was shelter her from the horrible things I had to see as a child. Now she would be the little girl sitting at the top of the stairs, making sure it never got too out of hand and that her daddy didn't kill her mommy.

I had not told Leo, as there was no reason too. There would be no reason to tell him what could've been, what will not be now. I suppose I'd have to get used to doing things on my own. The only thing running through my head at the moment, was how badly I needed a fucking drink. So I did, I drank so much I stopped feeling. But I did not stop seeing, I still saw him holding my daughter. I still loved him, and I was afraid I would forever, until it was too late.