Addicted | ✔

C h a p t e r S i x t y - S i x

                                                                   PART SIXTY SIX

                                                 ❝I wonder if any of it, was even true.❞

To me, which maybe don't put to much stock in that. I was the victim somehow in every single situation that had ever happened to me. Or, at least when I was younger that seemed the situation. Growing up, my sister and my parents had made me into feeling as if I was the villain in everything. Even now, when I allowed Jason to creep into my mind I felt somehow as if I was the villain. Maybe it had been my fault, maybe I was a whore.

For the longest time I denied what Summer had said, thinking I was better than she said. But she was right, I was a druggie, I wasn't a whore in my mind, but I was a fuck up. So she won, I was the monster in my own eyes too. 

"Fuck being sober." I griped at Jack as soon as he opened the door. He had barely set his stuff down and taken off his coat, as it was getting colder now when I shoved Evie into his arms and grabbed my wallet from the counter. I did not bother a goodbye, to my "husband" or daughter that I failed. I stood, in the windy night air and fumbled in my pocket for a cigarette. I came up empty handed. I waited there, for what seemed like forever for Leonards car. Somewhere in the back of my mind, it almost felt as though something was breaking. Maybe it was me. As soon as I thought that, the familiar rumble of Leonard's souped up Subaru reached my ears and in front of me there he was. 

As I hoisted myself into the passengers seat I glanced over at Leonard. The bottle of champagne in his hands was not lost on me. I reached my hand out for it and he obliged.  A soft smile crossed his face.

"You look tired." He observed as I took a healthy swig from the bottle. I nodded,  handing it back to him and leaning back against the seats. 

"I'm a mom and a wife." I sighed, Leonard rolled his eyes, he gave me a piercing look and I recoiled. 

"Those are both choices." He said pulling onto the highway. Now it was my turn to rolll my eyes.

"Jesus christ you sound like my godamn mother and sister." I muttered. He shrugged, looking over at me as he slowed to a red light.

"You miss them?" He asked, a hint of already knowing in his voice. I shook my head.

"Fuck no, I mean I was a kid-"

"Still are."

"I was a child, I wasn't half as bad as they made me out to be. I wasn't the villain, I was a fucked up teenager and maybe if instead of always punishing me, and actually helping me I wouldn't be a teen mom, married to my former dealer and in a car with a guy I hardly know." 

Leonard whistled. 

"what exactly did you do?" He asked, shifting gears and I slumped deeper into my seat.

"Lied, smoked, drank, fucked guys." "and girls." I added laughing. Leonard didn't laugh though. 

"Hot, I'll give you that much. But what were they supposed to do. Let you continue to abuse them?" He continued before I slammed my hand against the window.

"I WAS NOT FUCKING ABUSIVE GODAMN. I WAS A CHILD." Leonard swerved a bit, obviously caught of guard by my outburst. I leaned back again.

"I'm sorry okay?" He nodded.

"How often did they hear that?"

"Who?" 

"Your fucking family." 

"A lot." I said, realizing how much apologizing I always did.

"I wasn't abusive though." I whispered, because I couldn't bear that thought. Maybe because I still had a conscious. Leonard handed me back the bottle and I reached for his vape, which he kept in his sweatshirt pocket for as long as I'd known him.

"Your an addict Kaitlyn, of fucking course your abusive." He said, laughing sadly at me. 

Leonard loved his deep conversations, he was no better than me in life. We worked at the same bar, we took the same drugs, he was taking me to some party right now as a matter of fact. I nodded. 

"Look, I'll freely admit I was a dick of a guy to Chloe, my son's mom. If you never hit your family, good on you. But I did, i'm not suprised I've never hardly met the kid."

I scowled at him. Realizing how much Jack had hurt me, from even before I had even been pregnant with Evie. He was sweet, sure at times. But I had a feeling Leonard had been the same. I wonder if he would start doing the same thing to me.

"Point blank, if you're an addict you're abusive." He said as we continued to sit there in silence. Minutes passed, turning double digits I turned to him.

"Do you think they miss me?" I asked, barely above a whisper because even I did not want to admit it to myself. Leonard shook his head, and that broke what little of my heart I thought I had left.

"No. They miss who you were, and who you could've become." He said, I opened my mouth and he put his hand up. This felt like talking to someone, much older and wiser than I would ever be. I stared at him, waiting for whatever nugget of truth he was going to lay on me this time.

"I bet in their minds, you're already dead, your mom probably feels like she buried her daughter, same with your older sister." 

The heavy feeling, that had been with me since I'd walked out of my parents home seemed to be laughing at me. I wanted to cry, I wanted my mom and dad. I wanted Summer, I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be okay.

"It's going to be okay though." Leonard said, and I gave him a long look.